Monthly Archives: May 2010

Marriage

Choose For Today

I have been with my husband for the past 14 years. In that time, we have known countless couples. It has always amazed us to see how people make their marriages something awesome, but also how people make their marriages something awful.

We shake our heads and wonder how people make it so complicated.

Because marriage really only comes down to one thing: choice.

You simply need to choose your spouse every day. That’s it. That’s the foundation of all great marriages, of all great relationships, really.

I’m not saying that we haven’t experienced our share of storms in our 14 years together. Trust me, we have had some doozies. But, we have always come out stronger on the other side because the storms never happen between us, they only happen around us.

Our relationship is the calm in the center of every storm we have ever faced. We serve as the other’s anchor. We fight the currents that seek to pull us away from each other, the tides that strive to cause us to drift apart. We cling to each other and hold fast.

Whenever I stick out my hand, whether to give or receive help or comfort, it is for my husband that I am reaching.

It will always be my husband for whom I am reaching. Because I have made my choice.

He was my choice in the summer of 1996 when I first gave him the time of day. He was my choice on March 25, 2000 when I officially said ‘I do.’

He was my choice yesterday.

He is my choice today.

He will be my choice tomorrow.

It’s that simple.

And it’s that hard.

Sometimes it’s hard to forsake all else for him, but luckily he makes my sacrifices few and far between. And he makes them worth it by choosing me back.

So, yes, we wonder why people make marriage so complicated. Because it really just comes down to a choice.

Faith

Just Breathe

Take a breath.

A deep breath.

Draw the air in through your nose and bring it down into your belly space, expanding it like a balloon.

Now let it out slowly.

Like, super slow.

That breath is life.

That breath is a gift.

Your next one is not guaranteed.

Breathing is something that we do without thinking. It is a simple in and out exchange of air in our lungs. We usually don’t pay much attention to it unless we are somehow deprived of it.

Yet breathing is something that we can control, to a certain extent. We can choose to hold it, release it, restrict it, free it, make it shallow, make it deep, make it fast, make it slow, make it quiet, or make it noisy. We have some choice in what we do with that little gift of life we receive every few seconds or so.

Even down to our very breath, God instilled in us a choice of what to do with the life we have been given. We get to choose what we do with our breath, with our life, and with our connection to God. God is in our breath because life is in our breath and God is life.

But, as believers, we have also been given a deeper kind of breath – the breath of the Holy Spirit. In Hebrew, the word ‘ruach’ is translated as breath and as spirit. The Spirit of God is Ruach Elohim, so it could also be translated the Breath of God. With this different sort of breath, comes a different sort of life. Everlasting Life.

Take that breath again.

Draw it in nice and slow through your nose, all the way down to that belly space.

Feel the fullness of that breath.

Now let it out slowly.

Feel the hollowness without it.

You have received the breath of life for your body and you have received the Breath of Life for your spirit. You have a choice about what you will do with your breath, with your life, with your spirit. Will you hold it, release it, restrict it, free it, make it shallow, make it deep, make it fast, make it slow, make it quiet, or make it noisy?

Savor your next breath. Find the life inside of it. Feel God inside of it. Connect to the Ruach Elohim within it.

It reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite movies of all time, “A Walk to Remember”. I know it’s a Mandy Moore film, but it’s based on a Nicholas Sparks book so it’s good. She plays a Christian girl dating a boy that goes to church with his mother, but doesn’t yet believe in God for himself. My favorite scene is when he asks her how she can believe.

She says, “It’s like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.”

Ruach is sometimes translated as wind, too. It is air and spirit in motion. Don’t we create a kind of internal wind when we breathe? So, that’s how I picture the relationship that I have with the Holy Spirit. It’s like a wind that I create inside of me. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.

I, for one, choose to take my breath of life and make it deep and noisy and free. I choose to draw it out and experience as much of it as I can.

What will you do with the gift that is your next breath?

Family

I Brought You Into This World…

…and I can take you out of it.

How many times have you wanted to say that?

Especially in the face of Defiance. Deception. Disrespect. The three fastest roads to wanting to strangle your kids. Unfortunately, there is no way to totally obliterate the big D’s from our kids. We can only put seat belts, air bags, caution signs, and guard rails on our own behavior to prevent a complete parental meltdown when faced with them.

Let’s face it. Parental meltdowns solve nothing. We say and do things in the extreme. We change the focus from the kid’s bad choice to our mega-outburst. That only teaches kids to avoid setting their parents off, rather than the detriments of continuing in their behavior.

We want to keep the focus on the kid’s choices and the consequences of those choices. We want to provide a learning opportunity that sinks deeper than the epidermis. We want them to succeed in life, not in ducking our wrath.

So, what do we do? Well, time-outs work.

Oh, I mean time-outs for yourself, not your kids.

Seriously. You need to find a way to keep your cool. Losing it will only lose the teaching moment. When you face a situation that leads you down one of those roads to strangulation, put yourself in a time-out by telling your kids that something will be done about their behavior, but not now; you will talk to them later about it.

It’s that easy**.

**By easy, I mean an extreme challenge of your self-control.

Delaying consequences is a great seat belt on your behavior. Mama and Daddy time-outs are great air bags. Use them to give yourself time to breathe deep, re-engage your higher reasoning skills, call in reinforcements for additional opinions about addressing the issue, and to regain your rational, calm self.

Next, watch for your caution signs. One of the caution signs that I have worked to ingrain into my psyche is the question, “Do I want to make him feel bad or do I want to help him succeed?” What would your caution sign to yourself say? What hits home for you? Figure it out and then drill it in. Write it down everywhere. Say it to yourself multiple times a day. Make it your new parenting mantra. Think about it in good times, in irritating times, and in lose-it times. Put one of those blinking yellow lights on the top of it.

After that, you need to locate your guard rails. What will keep you on the straight and narrow? Maybe it’s your spouse. Maybe it’s your mother. Maybe it’s your best friend. Maybe it’s prayer. Who can hold you accountable? Who do you answer to? That is your guard rail. Respect it. Use it. It will help you stay on track to being a more effective parent.

Resolve now to no longer lose it with your kids.

Resolve now what your new response will be to the big D’s.

Resolve now to put on your seat belt, engage your air bags, watch for your caution signs, and respect your guard rails.

You can’t obliterate defiance, deception, and disrespect, but you can go after them with a much more effective game plan than parental meltdowns.

Marriage

Intimacy Isn’t Just Sex

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word ‘Intimacy’?

For most people, they would say that sex is what comes to mind. Perhaps affection is in there too, but the problem is how this word has been hijacked from its actual meaning and purpose. I’m not saying that sex isn’t intimate, but without the other aspects of intimacy, how intimate can it really be? How personal, private, and affectionate can a merely physical act really be?

True intimacy is a multi-faceted experience much like a cherished gemstone. They are all connected and depending upon which side of the prism you choose to look through, you will see a different dimension of the whole thing. Everyone seems to have their favorite facet to experience intimacy through, but one can become blind to the other facets if it isn’t observed from all angles at least some of the time. And doesn’t conflict and discord usually come when two people are looking at the same situation from different sides of it? In order to achieve real intimacy with your spouse, take time to peer through each side to make sure that the entire gem is being nurtured.

Facet #1 – Thoughts

Many of us spend way too much time in our own heads. We allow our own interpretation of events and our own self-talk define our reality. We have opinions, beliefs, and values that are extremely important to us. It was Rene Descartes that said “I think therefore I am.” In at least one way he is correct – how we think shapes who we perceive ourselves to be. What I mean is that the role I assign myself in my life story affects whether I am a hero or a victim, whether it is a comedy or tragedy or romance, and whether I spend it happily ever after or pining for what I never accomplished. Opening up your mind by sharing your deepest and most meaningful thoughts with the person who you trust the most, will bring about a depth of knowledge and understanding that supports a strong intimate connection with that person.

Facet #2 – Feelings

One of my favorite sayings came from Emerson Eggerichs: “Your feelings are not the voice of God.” There are plenty of times I have to remind myself of that fact. Our emotional experience, our visceral experience is mega-powerful in how we relate to the world and to other people. This is why way too many of us believe that love is an emotion. We experience all the wonderful feelings that can spring from love (like passion, peace, joy, lust, contentment, gratitude, etc.) and mistake it for love itself. We expect them to be maintained as long as we continue to be with the person we love. That just isn’t true. Love is an action and emotions fade if they aren’t nurtured. Delving into the depths of your emotional experience and actively, intentionally tending to your feelings will enrich your intimate life.

Facet #3 – Social

The people that we devote our time and energy to are the ones that we are the closest to. You cannot have a strong connection with someone that you do not spend time with. And this is one thing that you cannot skate by on the whole ‘quality over quantity’ bologna. Investing your most valuable currency – the finite minutes and seconds of your life here on earth – into your marriage will be significant to determining how strong that relationship is, how devoted you are to each other, and how satisfying you find your marriage to be.

Facet #4 – Spiritual

According to one major research study, praying together as a couple was the strongest indicator for predicting long-term satisfaction in the marriage. Couples who prayed together were 50% more likely to describe their marriage as being romantic. And, couples who pray together on a regular basis have a divorce rate of only 1%. We are spiritual beings that need to be connected to our Heavenly Father, but we are also designed to be connected in a soul-deep way to our spouse. If you want to truly become one, to truly become intimate with him/her, then pray together, worship together, and make Christ the center of your marriage.

Facet #5 – Physical

Notice I said physical and not sexual. That was intentional. Have you ever heard that men are like microwaves and women are like slow-cookers? There is a lot of truth to it. For most women, desire does not precede arousal. Basically, she doesn’t want to be doing it until she’s doing it. That is the benefit of affection. Not affection just for the sole purpose of getting the juices flowing, but for the purpose of staying connected even in simple ways all of the time. (Plus, it definitely helps with the whole arousal thing.) Non-sexual touches, genuine affection, sexual encounters, and snuggling afterward are all major and important pieces to this facet of intimacy. It is a powerful and amazing way to connect with your spouse, but as you have seen it isn’t the end-all, be-all of intimacy.

So, don’t get too caught up at observing your connection to your spouse through only your favorite facet, because they all touch and they all reflect off of each other. If you only shine one side of a gem and allow the other sides to erode away, how well maintained will it be? The same goes for your marital intimacy. Take a moment to assess where your relationship is in relation to each facet. Turn it around in your mind’s eye and inspect how well or poor each facet has been maintained. And then work on it. Because this is one kind of work that will pay off big time, resulting in a deep and satisfyingly intimate connection to your other half.