Category Archives: Family

Faith, Family

Radiant Love

We have heard people talk about letting your light shine. I mean, there’s even a song that Sunday school children learn, “This Little Light of Mine,” that comes complete with hand movements.

I was thinking the other day about what that light really is. Some Bible verses describe it as the gospel or as truth. Other verses use it to describe holiness, purity, or just exposure of anything currently hidden in the dark. The more that I thought about it, though, I came to realize that, ultimately, it describes the presence of God. God is truth and holiness and purity. God is light.

Letting our light shine is letting God’s presence shine through, to radiate from us.

That made me think of Moses. In Exodus 34:29, it says, “When Moses came down from Mt Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord.”

His face was radiant. Being in God’s presence made Moses’ face radiate light.

In our own way, we can do the same. We can allow the presence of God to shine from within. We can radiate any number of God’s qualities, be it truth or holiness or joy. But, I think the most important thing we can radiate is love.

1 Corinthians 13 culminates in verse 13: “So now these three remain – faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.” Love is the greatest. It is what we are supposed to do. It is what we are supposed to be.

The Greatest Commandment is about love. The second greatest commandment is about love. The new commandment that Jesus gave before His death is about love.

Why? Why this fixation with love?

Because God so loved the world.

Because God is love.

Because love is greater than even faith and hope.

It seems pretty obvious that God cares a whole lot about love. Him loving us. Us loving Him. Us loving each other. It is His defining trait. It should be our defining trait, too.

1 John 4:12 tells us that no one has ever seen God, but that if we love one another, then He abides in us. They can’t see Him, but they can see Him in us. They can catch a glimpse of God when they see us radiate love.

But, that only happens if God abides in us. We have to allow Him to fill us and shine through us. Can you do that? Can you let God in to the point that you are filled with His love? What about letting it shine out of you? Moses covered his face when it was radiant because it made others uncomfortable. Can you keep the veil off and expose your radiance?

Both acts require vulnerability. It is not easy to let God in. It is not easy to let His presence be exposed in you.

Both acts require trust. If you are going to let God come in and fill you up with His presence, you have to trust Him. You also have to trust Him to carry you through when you step forth with your light fully shining.

Both acts require someone to get uncomfortable. It can make you uncomfortable to let God be such a dominant presence within you. It can make you uncomfortable to feel exposed without a veil. It can definitely make other people uncomfortable when they experience this kind of radiant love coming from you.

But, despite those challenges, we have to remember that both acts also result in something better than we currently have. They lead you to a better you. They lead you to better relationships. They lead you to a better future.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.”

I love that verse. God is inviting us into relationship with Him. He is saying, just turn and take off that veil, and let me in. As we do that, we are being transformed into the very image upon which we gaze. But, it is a steady transformation. It isn’t done in one shot. It is done from one degree to the next.

I just picture myself standing there fully exposed as I bask in God’s presence, totally unaware that the longer I remain there, that I am becoming the very thing upon which I gaze. In His presence, we are not left unchanged.

He is filling us and making us radiant.

We have to remember, though, that this light isn’t something we generate on our own. It is the presence of God abiding within us. It is a chance for us to be radiant – and not just any kind of radiance, we get to be radiant love.

Imagine what you could be like if you let God in and became radiant love.

Imagine what your relationships would be like.

Imagine what your life would be like.

Make that your intention this week – embracing radiant love that comes from letting God in and taking your veil off.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Heat – the August eNewsletter

I live in Arizona in what is affectionately called the Valley of the Sun. In the middle of August, it actually does seem like the sun itself has come to sit right down inside our little valley. Sometimes it can be too hot to even go swimming because the sun has warmed up the water in the pool to an uncomfortable degree. When it hits 118˚, you run from your car to inside your house as fast as possible for fear of the soles of your shoes melting to the pavement. Well, maybe it’s not that bad, but I do still make a mad dash for the air conditioned house because the heat is so oppressive, so exhausting, so debilitating.

No one likes to be sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August…

 

FAITH

…but sometimes, that is exactly where God meets you. In the dead center of the oppressive heat.

Heat is an interesting thing. It warms us when we are cold. It cooks our food. It sterilizes our water. Those are all good things. But, heat can also make you hot – unbearably hot. It can burn your food and dry up your water.

The right amount of heat seems like a blessing. Too much heat seems like a curse. Perhaps that is true when we are talking about the physical body. But, don’t be so quick to judge when God turns up the heat on your spirit. There are times when God allows us to get unbearably hot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There are times when God allows our metaphorical food and water to be dried up. He wants us sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August.

Why?

Because sometimes things need to be burned down to ash before a new thing can spring up. Forestry people know that small forest fires are necessary to maintain the health of the overall forest. The trees that have been growing for a long time develop a canopy of branches and leaves that block the sun from reaching the forest floor. With little sun light, not many plants can survive there, leaving hardly any new growth. There are even some plants with seeds that will only germinate after a hot fire and will then use nutrients from the fire to begin to grow.

If you find yourself in the midst of unbearable spiritual heat, look around and find those things that have been growing for so long that they are preventing any new growth. Allow God to clear out the old things to create something new, perhaps even something that needs this heat to take root and to grow.

Jesus began His ministry by reading a passage of Scripture from Isaiah 61 and declaring it fulfilled by His presence and the work that He had come to do. One of the things that He proclaimed is that He had come to give His people beauty for their ashes. But first there needs to be ashes from which the beauty can come. What is it in your life that needs to face the oppressive heat of August?

 

MARRIAGE

“Those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” – 1 Corinthians 7:28, NIV

Nobody ever reads those words in a wedding ceremony yet they are the reality of married life. We will face many troubles in life and in marriage. Things will go wrong. Times will get hard. The heat of passion will, at times, become a heat of oppression. Heat is inevitable because your spouse is married to a sinner. And you must have some empathy for that because you are married to one too.

Bring two sinners together for a lifetime and things are bound to heat up. And when things heat up, tempers usually flare. In those times, it is essential that you take a look at what is fueling your temper. Did you set up expectations somewhere along the way that have yet to be fulfilled and have now turned into something your spouse owes you? Do you sense some sort of injustice taking place in your relationship? Have you experienced some sort of loss, whether it is real or perceived (e.g. respect, power, identity, security, affection, trust)? Maybe you haven’t lost it yet, but it is being threatened or endangered.

Anger is always fueled by an unpaid emotional debt, injustice, some sort of loss, or fear of a loss. Always. One or more of those things. Without fail. Meaning, take another look at that list instead of blowing off this part of what I’m saying to you.

You cannot solve anger in anger because the problem lies behind it. You have to solve the problem at the problem. When the heat rises and becomes unbearable, look for what lies behind your contribution to this potentially combustible situation.

 

FAMILY

If Paul thought that those who marry will face many troubles in this life, then he had no clue how compounded that statement would be for those who have children. Take a situation that already has two sinners in it and add more to it. It’s like adding fresh kindling to already glowing embers. Little fires pop up all the time. There isn’t a day that goes by without my two little boys getting into some sort of a roe with each other. And there are plenty of days where parenting my children creates some heat under my collar.

What I have come to realize is that it never does any good for me to lose my cool with my kids. My agitation makes my kids more agitated. They bicker even more and are in worse moods when I project negative emotions. Not only does my anger distract them away from the real issue, but it’s like I am adding lighter fluid to their already heated exchange. Everyone remains in a bad mood and the negative energy just seems to simmer before boiling over again.

So, how do we parents remain cool in the midst of the oppressive family heat? Step 1 is to take deep breaths. They are calming. They add oxygen to our brains which will help us remain clear-headed.

Step 2 is to talk to yourself. I recommend doing this part quietly in your head, but it’s up to you. What should you say to yourself? Whatever you find calming, centering, or encouraging. I like to say things like, “Smother the fire,” “Give them a good example,” “Be the adult,” or “Lord Jesus, please calm me down before I go and take this child that I brought into the world out of it.”

Step 3 is to assess yourself and the situation and do the best thing possible at that moment. If you are calm enough to address the issue, then go ahead and do it. If your children are too worked up to hear you, separate them until they calm down. If you are too worked up to do anything other than contribute to the heat, separate your children as a temporary reprieve while you go and calm down. If this is a recurring issue that you have already talked about with your children, then separate your children until you have had time to decide upon a course of action (aka think of something better than what you have already tried with them).

Step 4 is to plan a time, preferably in the very near future, when everyone involved in this negative exchange can enjoy each other. You have to replace the debit that this negativity had upon the family’s overall atmosphere. Maybe you make cookies together after dinner or go rent a movie that everyone can watch or head to the park for a bit of outdoor fun.

That’s it. Breathe. Talk to yourself. Do the best thing you can in the moment. Plan some fun.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think I can get an “Amen” when I say that nobody likes going through the Refiner’s fire. It is uncomfortable. It is oppressive. It downright sucks. But we are always better for it. We appreciate its effect. We revel in the closeness that we feel with God that only comes on the other side of the fire.

I may be literally sitting in the Valley of the Sun in August as I type this letter to you, but we all find ourselves there emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally at one time or another. Perhaps you find yourself there now. Find comfort in the knowledge that God has not forsaken you. God is not punishing you. God is using this time to refine you, to purify you, to make you holy because He is holy.

Zechariah 13:9 says, “I will put [them] into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”

When silver is refined, the Refiner places the silver into the center of the fire where it is the hottest in order to burn away all impurities. He has to sit in front of the fire with His eyes on the silver the entire time because if the silver is left in the fire for even a moment too long, it would be destroyed. He watches the silver because He knows that it has been refined only when He can see His image reflected in it.

In ancient times, in order to test for the purity of gold, it had to be heated. If it retains its color when heated, then it is pure. If it pales, roughens and hardens, or softens and blackens, then it contains impurities.

We will face many troubles in this life, whether married or not, whether parents or not. And it is in these heated troubles, that God refines us like silver and tests us like gold. He burns away the impurities and looks for His reflection. He heats us up and looks for our reaction to see how pure we have become.

May the heat that you next face be a revolutionary heat that purifies you and draws you closer to Jesus.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Ice Cream – the July eNewsletter

I bet most of you don’t know that July is national ice cream month and this Sunday, July 17th, is national ice cream day (note to self: Google free ice cream offers for Sunday). Ice cream is certainly a favorite for my kids as it was for me and my sisters when we were kids. My sisters and I always got a kick out of making our own ice cream at home. Every once in a great while my parents were willing to drag out the ice cream maker and undertake the arduous task of creating homemade ice cream. A lot of work went into a little bit of ice cream, but we always thought it was worth it. Nothing beats homemade ice cream. So why go and buy ice cream at the store if it isn’t as good? Simple. Because it is easier. We are willing to settle for lower quality in order to save effort.

Unfortunately, that turns out to be a very compelling metaphor for a lot of things in life.

FAITH

A major claim against Christianity by nonbelievers (and some believers) is that Christians do not walk their talk. Jesus and the Apostles modeled a lifestyle that few modern Christians follow. The Bible teaches principles and values that would make the world a significantly better place if a larger portion of its population practiced them rather than merely considered them.

So why don’t we?

Because living the Christian life and upholding Christian principles and values require a strong connection with God. Our human nature prevents us from fully expressing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control on our own. We need a strong reliance upon Jesus every single day. And that takes effort. Effort that most people aren’t willing to exert.

It is much easier to go to church for an hour a couple Sundays a month and let the worship leader sing the songs for you and the pastor read the Bible and pray to Jesus for you. It is easier to believe and not act. It is easier to put on the Christian moniker than the armor of God.

Let’s face it. Just like that homemade ice cream, we know that having our own relationship with Jesus is so much better! And just like that ice cream, we find ourselves willing to scrimp on quality in order to save on effort. We rely on others to do our praying for us. We wait for others to prompt our Bible reading or share Scriptures they’ve read. We get lazy or busy or tired or distracted.

Stop settling for store-made Jesus. Make your own relationship with Him.

MARRIAGE

Most relationships start out really good. Like homemade ice cream good. And it is because we are willing to put forth the effort to meet the other person’s emotional needs. We listen. We encourage. We smile and touch. We say nice things. We spend time together. We have fun together.

Unfortunately, most relationships go the way of the ice cream. Life gets complicated. Time gets filled with obligations and responsibilities. We get jobs or take on hobbies or make other friends or join groups or have kids. Our plate gets fuller and fuller, so the effort we once put into the relationship slowly erodes.

Isn’t it easier just to talk to your friend or get the attaboy from work or get affection from the kids or have fun with our hobbies? That’s where we spend much of our time. That’s where much of our effort already goes. Two birds. One stone. Right?

Only if you want a store-made relationship. And those don’t feel too good or last too long. Keep making the homemade ice cream in your marriage. It takes effort, but it is so much better!

FAMILY

Wow, kids need so much time and effort! If you’re a parent, you know that your day can easily be filled with your kids’ needs and activities. If you want to get anything else done, then you need to find something to occupy your kids. That means school, daycare, their friends’ houses, babysitters, television shows, video games, etc.

I have seen many parents burn-out. They start out with such good intentions and high hopes and then their energy and effort is sucked out of them. It is easier just to let their child watch whatever television he wants, whenever he wants. It is easier to give them a video game to play for hours. It is so much easier when they go to school or daycare. Parents slip from homemade ice cream to store-made ice cream with their parenting.

I have also seen the other extreme. This is the parent that not only makes homemade ice cream, but built the machine herself. She doesn’t use ice cream mix, she makes her own from scratch. She doesn’t put chocolate flavoring in, she has organic raw chocolate that she prepares to flavor the ice cream. She chips the salt from the rock herself. Parents can take it too far and allow their kids to take all their effort and time so that relationships, faith walk, and their own identity suffer for it.

The key is balance. Don’t get lazy and settle for the store-made version of family. But, don’t get so crazy with the homemade version that there are no boundaries and the parent’s identity, self-worth, and life purpose is wrapped up in their kids.

FINAL THOUGHTS

We live in the age of modern convenience, so the idea of putting effort into anything for a sustained period of time is ridiculous to our sensibility. We naturally seek the path of least resistance in everything – relationship work, housework, schoolwork, work work. We only have so much time and energy in a day and too many things are pulling at it – including our own laziness.

Balance looks different for everyone. The key is evaluating your tendencies and tweaking your behavior until you are spending the right amount of effort on the things that are the most important. If you want a life, a faith, a marriage, and a family that is à la homemade ice cream, then you need to do the steps that it takes to produce it. Stop settling for the store-made stuff. It may seem easier in the moment, but we all know that scrimping on quality will disappoint and frustrate us in the long-run.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Man – the June eNewsletter

It is terrible to watch societal trends swing from one extreme to the other like a big pendulum. We moved from total frigidity in the Victorian era to total liberality in our modern era. We went from women having no rights to a brand of feminism that many have taken to the militant degree.

For this newsletter, I want to focus upon the pendulum that has swung in regard to men. Men used to hold all the power and authority. They were the only ones counted as people in a census. They had the money and the property. They made all the decisions for society. We actually still see this attitude in some cultures around the world today.

I will be the first one to stand up and cheer that this particular brand of masculinity is not the norm in America anymore. But, I will also be the first one to stand up for men against the male-bashing that the feminists have acquired as their favorite pastime. Just watch any sitcom and the father is the butt of all the jokes. The mother is the strong one while the father is the schmuck. The wife is the smart one while the husband is the fool.

I believe that God did not intend for either gender to be regarded in a negative or lowly way. Neither gender is superior or meant to rule over the other. Men and women were designed in tandem, to come together as a strong partnership, both equally made in God’s image and infused with natural talents and spiritual gifts.

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to honor the man that God created men to be.

FAITH
I have heard the arguments that place great significance on the fact that God created man before woman. I have also heard the theory that Adam had no gender until God created Eve because the word adama is the generic term for humanity, not the term for the male gender. I don’t know that I have been persuaded to a particular argument, but the fact that both claims can be made shows that we are applying human wisdom and reasoning to God’s design. Which means we have it wrong no matter what we argue.

There is no argument, however, that God made male and female people just like He made male and female animals and plant-life. His design is for the two elements to come together; to partner for God’s larger plan. Each gender has a part and each gender is to do their part to the glory of God, for the benefit of their partner, and for the greater good of their community.

I believe each gender embodies unique aspects of God’s nature. God is described as both Father and Mother in the Old Testament. He is ascribed both masculine and feminine characteristics. When man and woman come together, they are bringing into union the aspects of God’s nature that they each uniquely reflect.

When that union is centered on Christ, then actual oneness is achieved. He is the bond the keeps the two together. He makes it possible for the two parts to become a beautiful whole. You honor God when you honor man. You honor God when you honor woman. You honor God when you honor His design for bringing them together in harmony and union. Not just in a marriage way, but in a family and community.

MARRIAGE
Marriage brings together a man and woman and makes them one, so that they are no longer two separate entities with separate goals and separate futures. They have become one, a strong partnership intended for life.

Outside of marriage, men and women still work best together because they bring balance. They see the world differently. They experience life differently. When the genders work together, God’s creation is honored and blessed. When the balance is disturbed, we find oppression, injustice, and even abuse.

I want to highlight a few of the male qualities of this union. I am speaking in generalities, so all men will find themselves somewhere between weakly possessing these qualities and strongly possessing them. The point is to celebrate the way that God made men overall.

Generally speaking, men possess an innate desire to protect and provide for their family. In Genesis 2, it says that God put the man in the Garden to work it. The woman is to help, but the onus of the job rests on the man. All cultures since creation have reflected this quality in men. Anthropology, sociology, and psychology all support that there is a difference between the genders when it comes to working, providing, and protecting – and clearly it is one of God’s strongest qualities too.

Men are more left-brained, meaning they are more logical and systematic in their thinking. Numbers, space, distance, time, and speed are easier for them to understand and to calculate. They are generally less emotionally-driven in decision-making. In fact, most men are capable of bypassing the emotional center of their amygdale so they can focus on the task at hand and not allow emotions to overwhelm what needs to be done. Additionally, they tend to be more action-oriented and competitive. This is why men tend to be soldiers, engineers, construction workers, lawyers and doctors (especially surgeons).

God made men with these natural abilities, tendencies, and talents to complement and work in conjunction with the way He created women. These are wonderfully masculine qualities, without which our world would suffer.

FAMILY
It is obvious that one of the biggest problems in American culture is the lack of fathers. When divorce rates and out-of-wedlock births skyrocketed, so did single-parent homes. We have been living with the long-term consequences of this trend for a while now and it is apparent that we are suffering without men in families.

Adolescents raised in single-parent homes have higher rates of sexual activity, drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy, sexual and physical abuse, living in poverty, crime and incarceration.

Clearly, children need their fathers. Men play a significant role in the health and well-being of their families. Not just because they tend to be the protectors and providers, but because of the contributions their gender brings to the family dynamic.

Imagine what life would be like without the masculine qualities of God. What if God didn’t provide for us? What if He didn’t protect us? What if He didn’t think logically? What if He had no clear big-picture in mind? What if God lacked action?
How can we find that reality horrifying, yet believe it makes no difference to raise kids without their fathers?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Children need fathers, but the kind of fathers that love God, love their wives, and live for the good of their families. Wives need husbands who love them as God loves us; who seek strong partnerships with them. Society needs strong, godly men who don’t seek their own good, who don’t seek to win and glorify themselves, and who don’t strive for a position of authority.

God made no mistakes when He made men. God made them in His image. God infused them with aspects of His nature. God designed them to be in relationship with Him, to be one with their wives, and to be a positive influence over their children.

This Father’s Day, let us pause and reflect on how important it is to have our men. Let us honor the significance of fathers. Let us recognize that life is better when men and women come together in strong partnerships, uniting their strengths, and working in harmony. Society is failed when the pendulum swings men into the role of controlling, domineering overlords. And it is failed when the pendulum swings men into being insignificant, unnecessary, and inferior. We need the men that God designed man to be.

Let us honor our Heavenly Father by honoring His creation of earthly fathers. Not just for a day, but for every day.

Family

I Carry Your Heart

This week I experienced just how profoundly wonderful it is to have someone that you can call at 4:30 in the morning. Someone who not only answers the phone, but runs to where you need her to be at that particular moment. I write and teach a lot on family and usually I am talking about the parent-child relationship, but today I have been reflecting on the relationships that we have with people that are so strong and so close that they have become family.

I think most of us know a lot of people, even if we just know them in passing. We hear someone mention a name and we have a face and an experience to put with it. I heard once that the brain can recognize something like a thousand different faces. We have the capacity to know a lot of people, but we do not bond with each person that we know. A bond is something much, much more.

The people that we bond with are given pieces of our heart, of our person. The bigger the bond, the bigger the piece and the more irrevocably theirs the piece becomes. When you are with someone who possesses a piece of your heart, you feel complete, loved, known, whole. But, when you lose someone who possesses a piece of your heart, you feel incomplete and not a little bit lost.

I spend a lot of time talking about the bond we have with Christ through the indwelling of His Spirit, the bond that is shared in a marriage, and the bond that is shared between parent and child. But everything that I teach on protecting, deepening, and strengthening those bonds is just as applicable to the other bonds we share with people. And applying such things to these relationships is incredibly important because when these bonds are broken, our hearts are irrevocably broken too.

I have pieces of my heart that I have given away, never gotten back, and thus remain fractured and incomplete over. I still grieve these relationships, but I use this grief as a reminder to protect the bonds that I still have and to use discernment in forming new ones. Discernment is not the same as guardedness. Trust me, I did that for a very long time. I shut people out, kept them at arm’s length, and guarded myself from potential hurt. Unfortunately, I also guarded myself from potential joy in the process. No, discernment is listening to your heart, to your mind, and to your spirit when choosing the people that you spend time with, that you value, and that you give your heart to.

When I stop and listen to my heart, mind, and spirit now, I can sense my kindred spirits, my soul mates, the sisters of my heart. I thoroughly love each one of them. They are sisters that were not born into that role, but who have claimed it nonetheless. They are the ones that I can call in a crisis at 4:30am and know that they will come running. And they are so very special to me.

For them, I dedicate this poem by e.e. cummings.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Faith, Family

They’re Kissing Again!

As I am making dinner one evening, I turn into my husband’s arms for a quick kiss as I hear the pitter-patter of little feet coming down the hallway. My older son didn’t announce himself or proclaim what he wanted. Instead, he yelled down the hallway to his younger brother, “They’re kissing again!” Emphasis was added to the “again.” He then ran back to his brother. I never knew why he came into the kitchen.

My husband and I both laughed over that particular moment, but as I have reflected upon it, I am grateful that my son feels that it is commonplace to see his parents exchange affection. A child’s home environment and interactions with parents plays a humongous role in establishing their belief system from which they make decisions and have relationships of their own.

I’m sure many of you have heard the phrase, “More is caught than is taught.” Because of the inherent deceitfulness of humanity, we have learned to trust actions more than words. We also remember actions better than words because it involves more of our senses.

Don’t get me wrong, the words are important. However, children are shaped by what they experience more than by the words they hear.

That’s pretty scary to hear. (Do I hear an ‘Amen’ from some of you parents?)

My children are going to be shaped primarily by their encounters with me – by my actions. I will be the first to confess that there are too many times when I look back and grimace at my actions. I am a sinner and continually, daily, fall short.

No wonder old-time psychiatrists always blamed the mother. Not that it’s true. But, seriously, how responsible, mindful, and intentional are we being with the influence we have on our children?

I realized a long time ago that there is no way I can do everything correctly with my kids. It is impossible for me to instill in them absolutely every virtue.

I mean, let’s get real. I don’t possess every virtue, so how I could I possibly pass them onto my children?

Instead, my husband and I sat down several years ago and wrote out a family covenant. We prayed about it and thought about it and did a lot of soul-searching to narrow our priorities as parents down to a Top 5 list.

Our goal is to focus upon 5 characteristics, values, or virtues. I’m sure they will pick up others in the process, but by narrowing our focus I believe our chances for success are so much greater.

I will share with you our Top 5, but each family is unique and needs to pray about their own Top 5.

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The Miller Family Covenant:

We proclaim that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. We commit to loving God with all of our heart, our soul, our strength. We will live by the Spirit and seek God’s will in all that we do. We will make Christ the center of our lives and our family; striving to become more like Him each day. (Inspired by Deuteronomy 6:5-7; Joshua 24:15; James 4:7,10)

We commit to forever seeking to be imitators of God. We will strive for honesty, integrity, responsibility, humility, and loyalty. We will keep our commitments and follow-through on our promises. We will be witnesses with our actions and our words. We will make all that we do an act of worship. We will be what we believe. (Inspired by Colossians 3:23-24; James 2:18b)

We offer to one another the unconditional love that Christ has given us. We commit to being the tangible expression of God’s love for us. We will live with grace and compassion for one another, offering forgiveness and mercy. We will seek to understand, accept, and honor one another. (Inspired by Colossians 3:12-14; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

We will show one another respect by both our words and our actions. We will be kind to one another, offering encouragement and support. We dedicate our lives to serving our God, our family, and others. (Inspired by Ephesians 4:29,32; Ephesians 5:21; Luke 6:31)

In all that we do, we will give God the glory. We acknowledge that all good things come from Him. We will be content with what we are given and be grateful in all circumstances. We will not worry because we trust that God will provide for us and protect us. We will be ready to share what we have with those that are in need. (Inspired by Philippians 4:11-13; Luke 12:15)

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As you can see, we want our family to focus on loving and following Christ, having integrity and humility, being loving and respectful, and being content through gratitude.

When I see my children say and do things on their own that display these qualities, I know that I am on the right track. If I had no goal or if I had the goal of everything, I would be lost in my parenting. By narrowing my focus and making my faith the foundation of my life, marriage, and family, I have a target to aim for. I have a guide to align myself with.

So, yeah, hearing my son exclaim, “They’re kissing again!” makes me very happy. Glory be to God.

Family, General

Never Say Never

One of my biggest pet peeves is absolute statements.

No human being that has ever lived has been absolute in anything. There is always an exception, a slip-up, a blunder, a good intention that fell short of achieving its goal.

Absolute statements lead to frustration, discouragement, or guilt.

So, beware of most self-help books. Even Christian ones. Because they will inevitably have absolute statements for you as an individual, a spouse, a parent, or whatever other topic it includes.

That doesn’t mean that you have to stop reading them. It just means that you have to learn how to take an expert’s opinion (even mine) and humanize it, personalize it, or generalize it.

Take parenting for example.

I don’t think it’s possible to fathom the number of books that talk about the importance of consistency.

We have all heard about being a consistent parent, right? So, let’s humanize this principle.

How are you at being consistent?

In anything?

No one can be 100 percent consistent. All we can do is hope to increase our consistency; to follow-through a lot more often than not. We can hope for damage-control when we mess up or fall short. We can hope to be described, at the end of the day, as a parent that did well by their children through their words and actions.

So, if we can’t be constantly consistent, then what can we be? The answer is – you can be more self-aware. In my opinion, self-awareness is a lot more important than consistency, as well as the key to it. Are you aware of what you are doing? And, why you are doing it? Can you pause before you act in order to choose your response?

Increasing your self-awareness will lead to the ability to be consistent, responsible, in-control, calm, and all of those other ideal parenting traits.

That means that it’s a good thing that developing self-awareness has no absolutes associated with it. It is a lifelong journey that ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. Increasing your awareness all depends upon how much energy you allot to it – what level of priority you attribute to it.

In order to move it up the priority meter and find the motivation to allot more energy to the process, to trudge through when you hit plateaus or forget why you even care about becoming more self-aware, it must have a pay-off.

Pay-off means, ‘what’s in it for you?’

I know this sounds selfish and no one wants to admit that the only things they are willing to exert any sort of prolonged energy toward are things that have something in it for them, but it’s the truth. A tough truth, but a human-nature truth. You will not do anything for an extended period of time or that takes a lot of energy or any other resource unless there’s a pay-off.

So, what is the pay-off for raising your self-awareness?

Only you can answer that.

And, seriously – answer it.

Write down the strongest reasons that will compel you to keep working at it. Then, whenever you hit an ebbing moment, whenever the energy or priority you allotted to it has begun to wane, pull out that list and renew your commitment.

Once you have this list, pick an area or two of your life where you will intentionally slow down and turn on your inner-documentarian.

Back to our parenting example – start noting what happens when you interact with your kids. What is triggered inside of you, both feelings and pulls to act, when your kids do various things? Start digging into what you discover. Figure out what you are doing and why you are doing it.

It is a lot harder to change if you don’t know what you do and why you do it. Self-awareness will put you in greater control of yourself; will give you a choice.

And choice is what we all truly want. Perhaps that is why absolutes don’t work on us – they take away choice. So, forget about always being consistent and strive to become more consistent. Increasing your self-awareness and finding the pay-off will help you do that.

Family

Mealtime at the Miller’s

I continue to be caught off guard when people ask how we’ve taken the battle out of eating with our kids after they have noticed how easy mealtime is at my house. So, I’ve decided to write this blog post about it.

Everything we do with our kids comes down to our basic values about parenting. Our overall goal is to raise our kids to be responsible, successful adults who know Jesus intimately.

Applying that to food then, we want them to know how to both enjoy food and to eat responsibly. We want them to have good manners. We want them to have a healthy relationship with food. And, we want them to appreciate food as a gift from the Lord and honor their bodies the way God made them.

Rule #1: Mama is no short-order cook

I make one complete meal, not special meals for each person sitting at the table. They are welcome to take what they want from what I serve. That means that I’m also mindful of everyone’s tastes and try to include something in the meal that I know the kids will eat. But, that doesn’t mean they are off the hook for the rest of the meal. They have to at least try everything that is served with a couple of bites.

My son has been so frequently surprised at how good “weird” things are to him, that recently he told my husband that to “try things is to like them”. I hope that continues to be true for him because one of my goals is to keep expanding his still-developing palate.

Beyond the requirement to taste everything on the plate, we do not require them to eat everything. This is not a “clean your plate” house. I want them to eat until they are satisfied, not until their plate is empty. Now, that means they must eat enough to tide themselves over to breakfast because there is no midnight snacking either. And dessert is always a surprise, not a guarantee. I don’t want them “earning” dessert by eating all of their dinner, although I may keep the surprise for another night if they haven’t eaten very much that night. They just don’t know about it.

Since one of my goals is to teach them how to eat responsibly, I verbalize my decisions about meal planning. I also explain to them why they can’t have another helping of a sugary snack. They understand that there are foods that taste good and are enjoyable for that factor, while there are other foods that are necessary because they make our bodies work correctly. And that it’s a blessing when you find a food that is both! It’s all about balance.

They have juice at breakfast and dinner and water everywhere in between. They get two snacks a day, one of them is fruit or veggies while the other is something a little more lenient in the nutrition area. That second snack could be crackers and cheese, or popcorn, or a handful of cookies, or one of those fruit snacks kids adore. I usually let them choose what they have for snack as long as the morning snack is healthy. (If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m big on offering choices. I’ll blog on that another time, though.)

Breakfast is a cereal of their choosing, although I retain veto rights over the nothing-but-sugar options. Lunchtime is usually a united effort, so they have some choice. Dinnertime, though, is mom’s domain.

As for the rest of our goals for our children’s eating habits, we have a couple of other mealtime rules. First, they must be respectful of their food. That means, no playing with their food. I know that other “experts” may disagree with me, but this fits into our value of teaching gratitude. Which fits into the next rule: we always say grace before eating to acknowledge that it is from God that we receive this food.

The last thing we do is set a time limit if the kids are messing around instead of eating. It goes something like this, “Dinner will be over in 10 minutes, so get what you need to hold you over until breakfast.” Then 10 minutes later, plates are swooped up and dinner is over. That doesn’t mean we rush our kids’ eating. By the time we do this, they have had plenty of time to eat their meal. At this point, they are just messing around. (This is usually where some jaws drop because to some people the thought that their child may go to bed a little hungry is astounding. Guess what? God made your kid’s bodies smarter than that, so they will not let themselves starve. Plus, one night of a grumbling tummy may be a worthwhile lesson.)

I hope that by doing all of this that we will succeed in our goals. I don’t know how it will work out in the long-run, but I do know that our children have good table manners, are grateful for their food, have a basic understanding of eating a balanced diet, don’t fight with us over what is being served, always try everything on their plate, and still eat instinctively**. And that is why people continue to notice how different mealtime is at the Miller’s.

**To learn what I mean about instinctive eating, visit www.amihungry.com.

Family

Hot Button Issues

I find it hardest to be a good parent in the face of my children pushing my “buttons”.

It’s like a heat-seeking missile that targets my biggest annoyances and makes full impact, totally exploding them. My children each carry around a box with a big red button on it, pushing it at random and sometimes totally insane moments.

We are on the verge of leaving for a beach vacation and my boys are running through the house screaming (I swear they pierce the innermost workings of my ears). We are driving to the movie theater to see the very film they have been begging to see and they start bickering in the backseat. In the middle of things that they enjoy, things they desire, things that are meant for their benefit, they start detonating bombs and pressing buttons left and right. It doesn’t make sense, right?

I haven’t found the answer to this problem. I haven’t come across the magic solution in any of my studies or experiences. Most of the time I just try to bite my tongue and take deep breaths. If I can, I put either them or myself in a time-out.

I try to remember that my goal is to teach my kids how to be considerate, respectful, responsible, and honest. It’s not about me. It shouldn’t be about my buttons. I don’t want my children to merely learn how to manipulate mom.

Right now, I’m trying to work on some sort of mantra that I can chant in times where it feels like my blood is boiling beneath my skin. It really does help to have some handy phrase to repeat inside your head to direct yourself. It counters all the junk thoughts that pop up without permission, all the knee-jerk reactions that attempt to dominate the situation.

At the same time that I work on keeping calm, I also work on de-sensitizing my buttons. I do some digging around inside my noggin to see why it is that these particular issues mean so much to me. Is there some rule in my head that my kids are violating? Maybe I need to rewrite the rule. Is there some unresolved stuff floating around inside me that my kids are triggering? Maybe I need to search out those issues and deal with them without involving my kids.

My focus needs to stay on parenting for my kids’ sake, not my own. The goals that I want to teach my kids are priorities, but they need to remain teaching priorities rather than hot buttons.

So, here’s one blog post that doesn’t have a solution worked out for you. But, that’s life. We are all working on being the best that we can be, where we are at, in this particular moment. I’ll let you know if I ever find that magic solution to either getting your kids to leave your buttons alone or to throwing out the buttons altogether.

Family

I Brought You Into This World…

…and I can take you out of it.

How many times have you wanted to say that?

Especially in the face of Defiance. Deception. Disrespect. The three fastest roads to wanting to strangle your kids. Unfortunately, there is no way to totally obliterate the big D’s from our kids. We can only put seat belts, air bags, caution signs, and guard rails on our own behavior to prevent a complete parental meltdown when faced with them.

Let’s face it. Parental meltdowns solve nothing. We say and do things in the extreme. We change the focus from the kid’s bad choice to our mega-outburst. That only teaches kids to avoid setting their parents off, rather than the detriments of continuing in their behavior.

We want to keep the focus on the kid’s choices and the consequences of those choices. We want to provide a learning opportunity that sinks deeper than the epidermis. We want them to succeed in life, not in ducking our wrath.

So, what do we do? Well, time-outs work.

Oh, I mean time-outs for yourself, not your kids.

Seriously. You need to find a way to keep your cool. Losing it will only lose the teaching moment. When you face a situation that leads you down one of those roads to strangulation, put yourself in a time-out by telling your kids that something will be done about their behavior, but not now; you will talk to them later about it.

It’s that easy**.

**By easy, I mean an extreme challenge of your self-control.

Delaying consequences is a great seat belt on your behavior. Mama and Daddy time-outs are great air bags. Use them to give yourself time to breathe deep, re-engage your higher reasoning skills, call in reinforcements for additional opinions about addressing the issue, and to regain your rational, calm self.

Next, watch for your caution signs. One of the caution signs that I have worked to ingrain into my psyche is the question, “Do I want to make him feel bad or do I want to help him succeed?” What would your caution sign to yourself say? What hits home for you? Figure it out and then drill it in. Write it down everywhere. Say it to yourself multiple times a day. Make it your new parenting mantra. Think about it in good times, in irritating times, and in lose-it times. Put one of those blinking yellow lights on the top of it.

After that, you need to locate your guard rails. What will keep you on the straight and narrow? Maybe it’s your spouse. Maybe it’s your mother. Maybe it’s your best friend. Maybe it’s prayer. Who can hold you accountable? Who do you answer to? That is your guard rail. Respect it. Use it. It will help you stay on track to being a more effective parent.

Resolve now to no longer lose it with your kids.

Resolve now what your new response will be to the big D’s.

Resolve now to put on your seat belt, engage your air bags, watch for your caution signs, and respect your guard rails.

You can’t obliterate defiance, deception, and disrespect, but you can go after them with a much more effective game plan than parental meltdowns.