Category Archives: General

Faith, General

Circling God

I circle around God,

around the primordial tower.

I’ve been circling for thousands of years

and I still don’t know: am I a falcon,

a storm, or a great song?

This poem was written a Rainer Maria Rilke as a love poem for God, a modern psalm, over a hundred years ago. It refers to God as a tower, much like David did in his own psalms and Solomon did in the proverbs.

Psalm 61:2b-3, “Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against my enemy.”

Proverb 18:10, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; a righteous man runs into it and is safe.”

A tower refers to a tall part of a fortress or city walls. For the Jewish people, it was a picture of God’s protection. Its presence brought a feeling of security and well-being. They would look to the tower during times of spiritual or physical peril. They would flee to the tower in times of terror.

I think what is so poignant about Rilke’s poem is that we all have the habit of circling the tower that is God. We circle and don’t land. We circle and we wonder. We circle and we doubt. Always circling, never landing.

And his question is valid. Why do we keep circling? What form does our circling take?

Perhaps you are a falcon. For early Christians, the falcon became a meaningful spiritual symbol. A wild falcon symbolized the unsaved, the sinful, and the lost. A tamed falcon symbolized the converted. It was a symbol of hope and victory.

Before someone is saved, they are like that wild falcon the just keeps circling. But, we are called to be tamed, to find refuge in the tower. Are you still wild or do you still wrestle with your wild ways?

Perhaps you are a storm. In the Bible, storms are a contradictory image. On one hand, it gives life with its water. On the other hand, it brings death through its violence. It is an uncontrollable force of nature.

You may feel a little out of control. You may feel like a walking contradiction. You may be simultaneously drawn toward and repelled by the tower; by God. The reality is that you will only feel grounded, centered, and complete when you go into the tower. The storm within will only be calmed by the presence of He who commands the wind and rain.

Perhaps you are a great song. I like the idea of being a great song because songs are symbols of the soul and singing is an expression of the soul. What is your soul expressing as it circles? What kind of great song do you possess?

Great doesn’t always mean good. It simply means big. You can be a song of big sorrow or big joy. You can be a song of big anger or big love. You can circle because your song is one of outrage which keeps you away from God. You can circle because your song is one of adoration that makes God seem untouchable, unapproachable. But the reality is that the best songs are sung in the tower. The truth is the God is also a song – the believer’s song.

If we know how we circle, then we know why we circle. If we know why we circle, then we have a choice.

Can you stop circling? Can the wild falcon within you be tamed; be saved and finally find hope and victory? Can the storm, the uncontrollable force of nature within you be calmed? Can your song connect and join in with God’s song?

It is time.

It is time to find rest and refuge in the tower. You have been circling long enough. Rilke said that he had been circling for thousands of years and in biblical terms, 1,000 is the largest figure they could count by. It wasn’t literal. It was his way of saying that he had been circling for as long as he could remember.

Perhaps you have been circling for thousands of years too.

We are prone to circle God. A part of us is drawn to Him, yet we tend to wander away. We may settle into the tower for a time, but then circle again. Or, maybe we aren’t fully settled and parts of us are still circling.

Whatever it may be for you, the tower isn’t going anywhere. The tower isn’t the one that moves. We move. We circle. We wander.

God is faithful. God is patient. He waits for us to make a choice. He invites us into relationship with Him. He offers us exactly what we need – whether we happen to be a falcon, a storm, or a great song.

Faith, General

Pause for Peace

One of my worst habits is running ahead of God. I have been working on breaking it, but self-sufficiency will always be my greatest faith hurdle. I get an idea or find a solution or make a decision and I run with it. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.

The problem is not with how it turns out. The problem is that I am leaning on my own understanding. I’m relying upon myself. I’m only thinking about my own will.

Both in the Lord’s prayer and in his prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed for God’s will to be done.

Are we praying for the same thing?

In Ephesians 5:15-17, Paul gives a strong caution against my worst habit: “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”

When Paul talks about our walk, he is referring to how we live. Look carefully at how you live. And live wisely. “Wise” in the Greek means wise in a practical sense. It refers to someone whose actions are governed by piety (reverence for God) and integrity.

When I look at my actions, I can say that I act with integrity and that I am rather practical about things. The problem is that the formula for real wisdom requires a reverence for God in all that I do. That would be the missing ingredient when I run ahead. Even if it works out well. Even if it works out great. It still isn’t wise because I wasn’t acting with Godly reverence. I wasn’t considering him. I wasn’t consulting him. I wasn’t respecting him.

Instead, I was being foolish – senseless, stupid, rash. The exact thing that Paul is telling us to avoid. Be careful! Don’t be foolish! Because being foolish is not the best use of our time. Such a limited resource like time needs to be used wisely. Acting without a thought for God would not be that. No, instead, we need to understand the will of God.

In my research, my favorite discovery was the meaning of the word “understand” in the Greek. It means to bring together your perception with the thing being perceived. If I am trying to perceive the will of God, then I need to bring my perception to his will (the thing being perceived).

That means that I need to adjust my thoughts, my understanding to the truth, to what is real, to the actual thing. Too many times, we try to shape the truth to fit our perception rather than shaping our perception to fit the truth.

If we are trying to perceive the will of God, we have to bring ourselves to it. That requires humility. That requires molding yourself to him.

It also requires that you stop trying to figure everything out on your own – including God’s will. God’s will belongs to him. We can’t figure it out, force it out, or logic it out. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. So, we must remember…

His will is for him to reveal, not for us to discover.

We could easily treat God’s will like another piece to the puzzle we are trying to solve. We still try to do it in our own way and time and strength.

That is foolish.

It isn’t wise.

It isn’t understanding.

In order for God to reveal his will, we have to go to him. We have to be still, be quiet. We have to listen. That’s how I am working to break the habit of running ahead.

I build in a pause.

I pause to listen, to check in. If I don’t get an answer, I prolong the pause. I don’t unpause until I feel a sense of peace. Not peace about the situation, but a serenity in my next step. A peace that only comes from knowing the will of God.

In his letter to the Colossians, Paul shares a prayer for them from a fellow Colossian, saying: “that you may stand mature and fully assured in all the will of God” (Col. 4:12).

Mature means complete, finished. It is living wisely.

Fully assured means totally convinced. It is understanding (molding your perception to the thing being perceived).

He prayed that we may be complete and completely convinced in God’s will.

That is how we should be. Complete and completely convinced in the will of God, not just your own.

Don’t act, don’t move until you are.

Instead, build in a pause for peace.

Faith, General

Take Cover

The oddest thing happened to me the other morning. I couldn’t get the image of an umbrella out of my head. I was pretty much forced to ponder it for far longer than I would have liked. But, the more I thought about it, the more that I realized how God is actually pretty similar to an umbrella.

Before you think me too crazy, consider the idea for a moment. Doesn’t God act like an umbrella for those who draw close enough to him to be covered by his protection?

Psalm 91:1-4 reads, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.”

The psalmist refers to God as a shelter, a refuge, a fortress, a cover, and a shield. I’m pretty sure that my umbrella idea falls in the same category – God promises to protect us.

He just doesn’t promise to protect us from everything. No, instead, he promises two things.

First is protection from the snares of the fowler and the deadly pestilence. Exciting stuff, huh?

Seriously though, I know that the metaphor is slightly lost on us because we don’t go around building snares for fowl (aka birds) and we don’t worry that much about some weird pestilence creeping in and wiping us out. But, back in the day of our psalmist, those images meant a great deal.

So, what then, do they mean to us? What is God promising to protect us from in 21st century?

Snares are traps and tricks designed to get you stuck. We all have plenty of those lying in wait. There are snares, traps, tricks, and all sorts of temptations out there ready to trip us up. The promise to protect us from this threat can be found in the New Testament too.

1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

This is the verse that many people misquote, claiming that God will not give you more than you can handle. That’s not what the Bible says. Of course God gives you more than you can handle. Because if you could handle everything on your own, then you wouldn’t need him!

No, the Bible promises that you will not be tempted beyond what you can handle and that God will always provide an escape from that temptation. He will protect you from being snared, as long as you are close to him and remain under his protection. If you choose to wander out from underneath his wing of protection, like those silly little chicks that wander off on their own and put themselves at risk for harm, then you will have a harder time of it.

Stay under the cover of God’s wing and you will be protected from the snares and traps of the Enemy.

You will also be protected from that deadly pestilence. Pestilence is plague and disease. In Scripture, those are often symbols for the spread of evil.

Ain’t that the truth of it?! Evil does spread like a disease. And God promises to protect you from being overcome by the pestilence that is evil.

In Romans 6, Paul talks about how we are no longer slaves to sin, but children of God. We are not bound by sin and evil anymore. We have been set free. That doesn’t mean we can’t continue to indulge in it. That doesn’t mean that we won’t be affected by it.

If we choose to stay close to God, tucked nicely under his wing, then we won’t be overcome by it. No matter what it tries to do, it will not win.

Again, God isn’t promising that nothing bad will happen. Evil will still hurt those we know and love. Consequences of the bad choices we and others make will still be there. But, evil will not win. It will not overtake us.

As long as we are under God’s wing. And that is the second part of the promise. We will always have a place under his wing.

In Matthew 23:37, Jesus used the imagery of a mother hen and her chicks, lamenting about how often he would gather us together like “a hen gathers her brood under her wings.”

We are like those silly chicks. We get curious. We get tempted to venture out on our own. We think we know better or know enough. So we wander away.

I hope that you have figured out that sticking close to God and remaining under his wing is a far better life than wandering on your own, but even if you are still figuring that out and experiencing the consequences of being out from under the cover of his protection, God is waiting with his arms open to you. He is waiting for your return. You have no idea how often he would gather you back up under his wing.

This is the reason that his faithfulness is called a shield and a buckler by our psalmist.

To be honest, I had to look up what a buckler was because I was pretty sure that the writer wasn’t describing someone who makes buckles. I found that a buckler is a large shield that curves so that it completely covers a person.

So, not only is God’s faithfulness a shield, but it is a shield big enough to cover us. Just like a wing. Just like an umbrella. He is the shield that protects us from the snares of the Enemy; from the spread of evil.

It is no wonder, then, that when Paul talked about the armor of God, he called our faithfulness in God a shield too. In fact, it is a shield that extinguishes the flaming darts of the evil one (Eph 6:16). Our faith in God draws us close to him, under the cover of his protection. So, in reality, the shield is his faithfulness to us. Our faith just puts us underneath it.

So, you have a choice. As ever. As always.

Do you choose option A – God, or option B – not God? That’s seriously what it comes down to.

Do you choose truth (aka God) or do you choose to wander away toward lies (aka not God)?

Do you choose faith or the trap of fear and doubt?

Do you choose love or the evil taint of hate and discord?

Do you choose humility or the pestilence that is pride?

Do you choose to take cover under the wing of God’s protection or… not?

Faith, General

Lost Life, Found Life

The other day, I read a passage of Scripture that held such a juxtaposition, I was totally intrigued and couldn’t seem to move past it until I pondered it for a few days.

That passage is Matthew 16:24-26:

“Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?’”

The juxtaposition was the two distinct ideas of what it means to lose your life. Lose your life one way and have it saved. Lose your life another way and have it forfeited.

How do we know if we are losing it in the right way?

That is the thought that kept me hooked. How can I lose my life in the way that leads me to be saved? What does that mean? What would it look like?

I looked up the word “lose” in the ancient Greek and found that it is actually about destroying the connection that one thing has to another. Kind of like losing a call on your phone. It really isn’t lost. The connection was destroyed.

I then looked up the word “life” and found the Greek word “psyche.” After reading through its definition I realized that it correlates in a really profound way with how the soul is understood in ancient Hebrew.

You see, in Hebrew, there are three words for soul. Each word correlates to a different aspect of our soul; a different layer.

“Nephesh” is our life force. It is the part that is connected to our life on earth. It is being physically alive.

“Ruach” is our personality, our will, our thoughts and feelings. It is our heart. It is what makes us each unique and special.

“Neshama” is the part that was made in the image of God. It is the part that we think about when we consider dying and going to Heaven. It is the part that communicates with the Holy Spirit. It is the aspect of our soul that longs for the immaterial, the spiritual, and eternity.

Going back to the Greek word, “psyche,” it encompasses both Ruach and Neshama. It is the seat of our feelings and the essence that differs from the body, continuing after death. It is our heart and soul.

So, when Jesus is talking about losing your life, he is saying that you need to destroy the connection that your heart and soul has to…

That’s the next question. Destroy the connection to what?

He says that we need to lose our life for his sake. I believe that means we have to destroy our connection to anything that isn’t him. Destroy the connection your heart and soul has to anything else for his sake. That means, destroy the connection to anything that is not of God; to anything ungodly; to anything worldly.

Why?

So you can find it.

Jesus said that if you lose your life for his sake, then you will find it. You will actually find your true heart and soul when you disconnect from the world.

You see, we are only made whole in our connection to Christ. It is the only way to find your true self. But, you have to disconnect from the world before you can fully connect to Jesus. He wants all of you. There is no middle ground. He won’t share.

Just check out these two verses:

James 4:4, “Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever wishes to be a friend of the world, makes himself an enemy of God.”

1 John 2:15, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

This is talking about being in the world, but not of the world. These apostles are telling you to maintain a separation from the world in order to be fully connected to Jesus. The alternative is to remain connected to the world, but an enemy of God. What good is that? What good comes from that?

I think that is why the next thing Jesus says is, “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?”

Stay connected to the world, and you get to gain the world and all it has to offer. You get to have the world, but not God. The word translated to “soul” in this verse is still the Greek word “psyche.” So, you end up forfeiting your heart and soul to the world.

The word “forfeit” means to sustain damage or injury; to suffer loss. Remember that we are only made whole, made right in Christ. We only find our true self in connection with Jesus.

By rejecting that connection, instead choosing to remain connected to the world, you damage and injure yourself because you don’t get to be made whole. Instead, you continue to be fractured and broken. You don’t get to find your true self. Instead, you remain a false self.

So, there you have it. The juxtaposition turns out to be a choice. You can gain the world and lose your soul or you can lose the world and save your soul.

You really can lose your life in the right way, in the way that leads it to be saved. You just have to lose it in Christ. You have to destroy the connection you have to this world and connect with Jesus instead.

What it all boils down to is this: A lost life is a found life.

But only if you do it all for Jesus’ sake and no one and nothing else’s.

Faith, General

Open Hands

Psalm 24:1-2 tells us, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters.”

Have you ever really stopped to think about that? The earth and everything in it and everyone on it ultimately belongs to God.

Yet, we walk around like it belongs to us. The world belongs to us. Everything in it and on it belongs to us. We even think that we belong to us.

I think that is why Jesus said in Luke 14:33, “In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.” To be a disciple – a student, learner, follower of Christ, you have to make Him the most important thing in your life. You have to choose Him over anything and everything. You have to quit trying to own everything.

In a famous story dubbed “The Rich Young Ruler,” Jesus told this wealthy man that he had to be willing to sell all his possessions to follow him. It is said that the young man walked away dejected because he was very wealthy and he wasn’t willing to make Jesus more important than his wealth.

Now, does this really mean that Jesus literally wants us all to have nothing? No. It is both rabbinic hyperbole and a challenge to adopt a certain mindset. You see, rabbis often used hyperbole, speaking in extremes, to make a point. What was Jesus’ point in saying this? First, He wants to be number one in your life. Second, He wants us to adopt the mindset that we don’t own anything; to recognize that everything really belongs to God.

God owns the world. It is all His. We are merely stewards, caretakers, borrowers. We have to remember that and hold onto everything and everyone with open hands. We need to stop grasping and holding tightly to anything of this world.

In the story of Job, he declares that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. He says this after he has just lost everything – his family, his wealth, his health. Yet, he still acknowledged that it all belonged to God and just as God had chosen to give it to him, God had also chosen to take it away. In the midst of his grief, he still maintained a heavenly mindset.

I used to hate the idea that God gives and takes away. Probably because I didn’t like the idea of losing anything. But, I finally realized something and it clicked for me.

God gives us abilities, people, prosperity, resources, talents, time, and on and on, in order to bless us and benefit us as we become who He wants us to be, and progress down His path, and further His kingdom, and point the way to Him, and bring Him glory.

It is a circular, mutual benefit. When it stops benefitting us or when it stops benefitting Him, He takes it away.

That’s another reason we need to hold everything with open hands. As soon as it becomes more important than God, as soon as it becomes a distraction away from what God wants, as soon as it becomes an idol of any sort, then it needs to go away. And, often, the one thing that you hold onto tightest, the one thing that you aren’t willing to give up, is going to be the one thing you need to loosen your grasp, and, probably, the one thing that you will be called to give up.

That’s a harsh thought, isn’t it? But, the reality is that living with open hands enables us to live with an open heart and a fearless faith. Fearless, because it takes away our worry. It keeps things really simple. It narrows everything down to living for Jesus.

In Matthew 6, Jesus tells us not to worry about anything, not even our most basic needs. God made us. He knows what we need. He wants to take care of us, but only if we look to Him. In verse 33, Jesus says that we must seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and then He will give us everything that we need.

Are you seeking Him first? Are you pursuing Him? Are you desiring Him?

Look for His will, purpose, and plan. Submit yourself to His authority. Enter into relationship with Him and be open to transformation. Then He will take care of everything else.

Open hands doesn’t mean we reject everything or we don’t care about anything. It doesn’t mean we don’t want, wish, desire, or dream. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have nice things or enjoy the bonuses in life.

Living with open hands simply means we hold it all with the understanding that it’s not really ours; with the attitude and willingness to let it all go, if called upon.

Be willing to give up everything.

Desire God more than anything else.

Remember why He gave you all that you have and hold it all with open hands.

It doesn’t really belong to you anyway.

Family, General

Never Say Never

One of my biggest pet peeves is absolute statements.

No human being that has ever lived has been absolute in anything. There is always an exception, a slip-up, a blunder, a good intention that fell short of achieving its goal.

Absolute statements lead to frustration, discouragement, or guilt.

So, beware of most self-help books. Even Christian ones. Because they will inevitably have absolute statements for you as an individual, a spouse, a parent, or whatever other topic it includes.

That doesn’t mean that you have to stop reading them. It just means that you have to learn how to take an expert’s opinion (even mine) and humanize it, personalize it, or generalize it.

Take parenting for example.

I don’t think it’s possible to fathom the number of books that talk about the importance of consistency.

We have all heard about being a consistent parent, right? So, let’s humanize this principle.

How are you at being consistent?

In anything?

No one can be 100 percent consistent. All we can do is hope to increase our consistency; to follow-through a lot more often than not. We can hope for damage-control when we mess up or fall short. We can hope to be described, at the end of the day, as a parent that did well by their children through their words and actions.

So, if we can’t be constantly consistent, then what can we be? The answer is – you can be more self-aware. In my opinion, self-awareness is a lot more important than consistency, as well as the key to it. Are you aware of what you are doing? And, why you are doing it? Can you pause before you act in order to choose your response?

Increasing your self-awareness will lead to the ability to be consistent, responsible, in-control, calm, and all of those other ideal parenting traits.

That means that it’s a good thing that developing self-awareness has no absolutes associated with it. It is a lifelong journey that ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. Increasing your awareness all depends upon how much energy you allot to it – what level of priority you attribute to it.

In order to move it up the priority meter and find the motivation to allot more energy to the process, to trudge through when you hit plateaus or forget why you even care about becoming more self-aware, it must have a pay-off.

Pay-off means, ‘what’s in it for you?’

I know this sounds selfish and no one wants to admit that the only things they are willing to exert any sort of prolonged energy toward are things that have something in it for them, but it’s the truth. A tough truth, but a human-nature truth. You will not do anything for an extended period of time or that takes a lot of energy or any other resource unless there’s a pay-off.

So, what is the pay-off for raising your self-awareness?

Only you can answer that.

And, seriously – answer it.

Write down the strongest reasons that will compel you to keep working at it. Then, whenever you hit an ebbing moment, whenever the energy or priority you allotted to it has begun to wane, pull out that list and renew your commitment.

Once you have this list, pick an area or two of your life where you will intentionally slow down and turn on your inner-documentarian.

Back to our parenting example – start noting what happens when you interact with your kids. What is triggered inside of you, both feelings and pulls to act, when your kids do various things? Start digging into what you discover. Figure out what you are doing and why you are doing it.

It is a lot harder to change if you don’t know what you do and why you do it. Self-awareness will put you in greater control of yourself; will give you a choice.

And choice is what we all truly want. Perhaps that is why absolutes don’t work on us – they take away choice. So, forget about always being consistent and strive to become more consistent. Increasing your self-awareness and finding the pay-off will help you do that.

Faith, General

The Only Ghost That’s Real

Growing up, whenever kids would gather together to tell ghost stories, there was always this girl that would say, “The only ghost that’s real is the Holy Ghost. And it’s okay because he’s good.”

I don’t know if ghosts are real or not, but she was right, the Holy Ghost is good. He is good because he is our connection to the Father. Most people don’t understand what role in the Trinity he actually plays, let alone what significance he holds for their faith walk. But, the truth is that he means everything to our faith walk.

Jesus described the Holy Spirit as an Advocate, a Counselor, and a Guide. He said that it was for our good that he ascended to heaven so that the Spirit could come to us. This is the very Spirit of God dwelling inside of us; here to help by advocating, counseling, guiding, and growing us. Without the Holy Spirit, our faith walk would meander. We’d get lost among the bracken and the brambles. We’d be without a spiritual light in the world, left in the dark to stumble over things we cannot see.

The Holy Spirit is God within us, our own divine spark to light our paths. Sometimes we don’t give the Holy Spirit credit for the light we see or we ignore the light that is there. More often than not though, we just get frustrated with the amount of light we are given. We want a big spotlight that illuminates the whole pathway so we know what to expect rather than the quarter-mile or so that we are able to see.  But, that’s not how a guide operates.

A guide is supposed to accompany you on a journey, not give you a map and wish you luck. A guide points out both wonderful things to see and dangers to avoid. He tells you what is coming up in the immediate future, but doesn’t bog you down with all the steps between your present location and your eventual destination. If you were given all the steps at once (if you had that big spotlight), you would either become intimidated by what’s coming or find a shortcut and bypass the preparatory experiences that make you ready for the final destination. The Holy Spirit is your guide. How are you at trusting him as such?

I know that it can be tricky to follow a Ghost, but when you look for him you will find him. He is right there inside of you. He wants to guide you into all truth, to guide you to the Father. He wants to show you how to live life to the fullest; pointing out all the good things that life has to offer. Just be ready for the preparatory steps required to get to those good things. Keep trusting your Ghost-guide. This is one Ghost that will not disappear on you and will never steer you wrong because this Ghost is good.

Family, General, Marriage

Playground Antics

When I was in grade school, there was this one boy (we shall call him Donnie) that was a terror to pretty much everyone, but especially to me. Now, I know you may be thinking that he pulled my hair because he liked me – typical playground antics, right? Wrong. This boy was just a plain old bully and I was a doormat who took it, ’nuff said. But what made me remember this boy is that I see the playground antics that Donnie used to pull on us taking place between adults every single day. Apparently, we don’t outgrow some of those fundamental interpersonal dynamics.

One of the things Donnie used to do that drove everyone crazy and most of the girls to tears was taking away the four-square ball. We would be in the middle of a game and he would either walk through the middle grabbing the ball and taking it with him as he went or he would catch a ball that had gone astray of the court and keep it. Either way, Donnie had our ball – the implement necessary to achieve a fun-filled and satisfying recess experience – and he was not giving it back. He was withholding what we needed to somehow get us to give in to his demands. He would make us beg for it back or act like fools for his amusement or tell him how awesome he was before he would return the ball. There were times when we complied and just went through the motions to get the ball back and there were times when we refused to play his game and everyone ignored him for the rest of the day. Either way, his antics did not work. We were not motivated to authentically meet his needs for attention and acknowledgement by his actions. We either faked it or ignored him.

So, what’s the every day application for us as adults? How does the Donnie experience translate from the playground to the living room? Easy. We all take turns being the Donnie and we all take turns being the upset girls in every relationship we have. We all have a ball of some sort – that implement necessary to achieve a fun-filled and satisfying life experience. For some it may be affection. For others it may be sex. For some it may be conversation. For others it may be receiving help from the other person. It doesn’t matter what your ball is, just know that your ball is; it exists and someone else has it. Hopefully he’s not a Donnie.

And hopefully you aren’t a Donnie either. Of course we all want others to play nice with us when it comes to our ball, but how are you in return? Do you grab the ball and walk away ignoring the fact that you are leaving the other person without their ball? Do you take it and hold it over your head to motivate the other person to meet your demands (like giving you your ball first)? If these tactics don’t work to motivate you to authentically meet their needs, then how do you expect them to work on others? If you don’t want the other person to fake it for you or to flat out ignore you, then you need to do something different.

You must find a way to deal with the Donnie’s in your life and then refrain from being a Donnie to others. If you take nothing else from this week’s message, remember this: You will never motivate another person to meet your needs by withholding theirs. So, keep the playground antics on the playground and be the one to serve the needs of others first.