Category Archives: Marriage

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Heat – the August eNewsletter

I live in Arizona in what is affectionately called the Valley of the Sun. In the middle of August, it actually does seem like the sun itself has come to sit right down inside our little valley. Sometimes it can be too hot to even go swimming because the sun has warmed up the water in the pool to an uncomfortable degree. When it hits 118˚, you run from your car to inside your house as fast as possible for fear of the soles of your shoes melting to the pavement. Well, maybe it’s not that bad, but I do still make a mad dash for the air conditioned house because the heat is so oppressive, so exhausting, so debilitating.

No one likes to be sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August…

 

FAITH

…but sometimes, that is exactly where God meets you. In the dead center of the oppressive heat.

Heat is an interesting thing. It warms us when we are cold. It cooks our food. It sterilizes our water. Those are all good things. But, heat can also make you hot – unbearably hot. It can burn your food and dry up your water.

The right amount of heat seems like a blessing. Too much heat seems like a curse. Perhaps that is true when we are talking about the physical body. But, don’t be so quick to judge when God turns up the heat on your spirit. There are times when God allows us to get unbearably hot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There are times when God allows our metaphorical food and water to be dried up. He wants us sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August.

Why?

Because sometimes things need to be burned down to ash before a new thing can spring up. Forestry people know that small forest fires are necessary to maintain the health of the overall forest. The trees that have been growing for a long time develop a canopy of branches and leaves that block the sun from reaching the forest floor. With little sun light, not many plants can survive there, leaving hardly any new growth. There are even some plants with seeds that will only germinate after a hot fire and will then use nutrients from the fire to begin to grow.

If you find yourself in the midst of unbearable spiritual heat, look around and find those things that have been growing for so long that they are preventing any new growth. Allow God to clear out the old things to create something new, perhaps even something that needs this heat to take root and to grow.

Jesus began His ministry by reading a passage of Scripture from Isaiah 61 and declaring it fulfilled by His presence and the work that He had come to do. One of the things that He proclaimed is that He had come to give His people beauty for their ashes. But first there needs to be ashes from which the beauty can come. What is it in your life that needs to face the oppressive heat of August?

 

MARRIAGE

“Those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” – 1 Corinthians 7:28, NIV

Nobody ever reads those words in a wedding ceremony yet they are the reality of married life. We will face many troubles in life and in marriage. Things will go wrong. Times will get hard. The heat of passion will, at times, become a heat of oppression. Heat is inevitable because your spouse is married to a sinner. And you must have some empathy for that because you are married to one too.

Bring two sinners together for a lifetime and things are bound to heat up. And when things heat up, tempers usually flare. In those times, it is essential that you take a look at what is fueling your temper. Did you set up expectations somewhere along the way that have yet to be fulfilled and have now turned into something your spouse owes you? Do you sense some sort of injustice taking place in your relationship? Have you experienced some sort of loss, whether it is real or perceived (e.g. respect, power, identity, security, affection, trust)? Maybe you haven’t lost it yet, but it is being threatened or endangered.

Anger is always fueled by an unpaid emotional debt, injustice, some sort of loss, or fear of a loss. Always. One or more of those things. Without fail. Meaning, take another look at that list instead of blowing off this part of what I’m saying to you.

You cannot solve anger in anger because the problem lies behind it. You have to solve the problem at the problem. When the heat rises and becomes unbearable, look for what lies behind your contribution to this potentially combustible situation.

 

FAMILY

If Paul thought that those who marry will face many troubles in this life, then he had no clue how compounded that statement would be for those who have children. Take a situation that already has two sinners in it and add more to it. It’s like adding fresh kindling to already glowing embers. Little fires pop up all the time. There isn’t a day that goes by without my two little boys getting into some sort of a roe with each other. And there are plenty of days where parenting my children creates some heat under my collar.

What I have come to realize is that it never does any good for me to lose my cool with my kids. My agitation makes my kids more agitated. They bicker even more and are in worse moods when I project negative emotions. Not only does my anger distract them away from the real issue, but it’s like I am adding lighter fluid to their already heated exchange. Everyone remains in a bad mood and the negative energy just seems to simmer before boiling over again.

So, how do we parents remain cool in the midst of the oppressive family heat? Step 1 is to take deep breaths. They are calming. They add oxygen to our brains which will help us remain clear-headed.

Step 2 is to talk to yourself. I recommend doing this part quietly in your head, but it’s up to you. What should you say to yourself? Whatever you find calming, centering, or encouraging. I like to say things like, “Smother the fire,” “Give them a good example,” “Be the adult,” or “Lord Jesus, please calm me down before I go and take this child that I brought into the world out of it.”

Step 3 is to assess yourself and the situation and do the best thing possible at that moment. If you are calm enough to address the issue, then go ahead and do it. If your children are too worked up to hear you, separate them until they calm down. If you are too worked up to do anything other than contribute to the heat, separate your children as a temporary reprieve while you go and calm down. If this is a recurring issue that you have already talked about with your children, then separate your children until you have had time to decide upon a course of action (aka think of something better than what you have already tried with them).

Step 4 is to plan a time, preferably in the very near future, when everyone involved in this negative exchange can enjoy each other. You have to replace the debit that this negativity had upon the family’s overall atmosphere. Maybe you make cookies together after dinner or go rent a movie that everyone can watch or head to the park for a bit of outdoor fun.

That’s it. Breathe. Talk to yourself. Do the best thing you can in the moment. Plan some fun.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think I can get an “Amen” when I say that nobody likes going through the Refiner’s fire. It is uncomfortable. It is oppressive. It downright sucks. But we are always better for it. We appreciate its effect. We revel in the closeness that we feel with God that only comes on the other side of the fire.

I may be literally sitting in the Valley of the Sun in August as I type this letter to you, but we all find ourselves there emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally at one time or another. Perhaps you find yourself there now. Find comfort in the knowledge that God has not forsaken you. God is not punishing you. God is using this time to refine you, to purify you, to make you holy because He is holy.

Zechariah 13:9 says, “I will put [them] into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”

When silver is refined, the Refiner places the silver into the center of the fire where it is the hottest in order to burn away all impurities. He has to sit in front of the fire with His eyes on the silver the entire time because if the silver is left in the fire for even a moment too long, it would be destroyed. He watches the silver because He knows that it has been refined only when He can see His image reflected in it.

In ancient times, in order to test for the purity of gold, it had to be heated. If it retains its color when heated, then it is pure. If it pales, roughens and hardens, or softens and blackens, then it contains impurities.

We will face many troubles in this life, whether married or not, whether parents or not. And it is in these heated troubles, that God refines us like silver and tests us like gold. He burns away the impurities and looks for His reflection. He heats us up and looks for our reaction to see how pure we have become.

May the heat that you next face be a revolutionary heat that purifies you and draws you closer to Jesus.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Ice Cream – the July eNewsletter

I bet most of you don’t know that July is national ice cream month and this Sunday, July 17th, is national ice cream day (note to self: Google free ice cream offers for Sunday). Ice cream is certainly a favorite for my kids as it was for me and my sisters when we were kids. My sisters and I always got a kick out of making our own ice cream at home. Every once in a great while my parents were willing to drag out the ice cream maker and undertake the arduous task of creating homemade ice cream. A lot of work went into a little bit of ice cream, but we always thought it was worth it. Nothing beats homemade ice cream. So why go and buy ice cream at the store if it isn’t as good? Simple. Because it is easier. We are willing to settle for lower quality in order to save effort.

Unfortunately, that turns out to be a very compelling metaphor for a lot of things in life.

FAITH

A major claim against Christianity by nonbelievers (and some believers) is that Christians do not walk their talk. Jesus and the Apostles modeled a lifestyle that few modern Christians follow. The Bible teaches principles and values that would make the world a significantly better place if a larger portion of its population practiced them rather than merely considered them.

So why don’t we?

Because living the Christian life and upholding Christian principles and values require a strong connection with God. Our human nature prevents us from fully expressing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control on our own. We need a strong reliance upon Jesus every single day. And that takes effort. Effort that most people aren’t willing to exert.

It is much easier to go to church for an hour a couple Sundays a month and let the worship leader sing the songs for you and the pastor read the Bible and pray to Jesus for you. It is easier to believe and not act. It is easier to put on the Christian moniker than the armor of God.

Let’s face it. Just like that homemade ice cream, we know that having our own relationship with Jesus is so much better! And just like that ice cream, we find ourselves willing to scrimp on quality in order to save on effort. We rely on others to do our praying for us. We wait for others to prompt our Bible reading or share Scriptures they’ve read. We get lazy or busy or tired or distracted.

Stop settling for store-made Jesus. Make your own relationship with Him.

MARRIAGE

Most relationships start out really good. Like homemade ice cream good. And it is because we are willing to put forth the effort to meet the other person’s emotional needs. We listen. We encourage. We smile and touch. We say nice things. We spend time together. We have fun together.

Unfortunately, most relationships go the way of the ice cream. Life gets complicated. Time gets filled with obligations and responsibilities. We get jobs or take on hobbies or make other friends or join groups or have kids. Our plate gets fuller and fuller, so the effort we once put into the relationship slowly erodes.

Isn’t it easier just to talk to your friend or get the attaboy from work or get affection from the kids or have fun with our hobbies? That’s where we spend much of our time. That’s where much of our effort already goes. Two birds. One stone. Right?

Only if you want a store-made relationship. And those don’t feel too good or last too long. Keep making the homemade ice cream in your marriage. It takes effort, but it is so much better!

FAMILY

Wow, kids need so much time and effort! If you’re a parent, you know that your day can easily be filled with your kids’ needs and activities. If you want to get anything else done, then you need to find something to occupy your kids. That means school, daycare, their friends’ houses, babysitters, television shows, video games, etc.

I have seen many parents burn-out. They start out with such good intentions and high hopes and then their energy and effort is sucked out of them. It is easier just to let their child watch whatever television he wants, whenever he wants. It is easier to give them a video game to play for hours. It is so much easier when they go to school or daycare. Parents slip from homemade ice cream to store-made ice cream with their parenting.

I have also seen the other extreme. This is the parent that not only makes homemade ice cream, but built the machine herself. She doesn’t use ice cream mix, she makes her own from scratch. She doesn’t put chocolate flavoring in, she has organic raw chocolate that she prepares to flavor the ice cream. She chips the salt from the rock herself. Parents can take it too far and allow their kids to take all their effort and time so that relationships, faith walk, and their own identity suffer for it.

The key is balance. Don’t get lazy and settle for the store-made version of family. But, don’t get so crazy with the homemade version that there are no boundaries and the parent’s identity, self-worth, and life purpose is wrapped up in their kids.

FINAL THOUGHTS

We live in the age of modern convenience, so the idea of putting effort into anything for a sustained period of time is ridiculous to our sensibility. We naturally seek the path of least resistance in everything – relationship work, housework, schoolwork, work work. We only have so much time and energy in a day and too many things are pulling at it – including our own laziness.

Balance looks different for everyone. The key is evaluating your tendencies and tweaking your behavior until you are spending the right amount of effort on the things that are the most important. If you want a life, a faith, a marriage, and a family that is à la homemade ice cream, then you need to do the steps that it takes to produce it. Stop settling for the store-made stuff. It may seem easier in the moment, but we all know that scrimping on quality will disappoint and frustrate us in the long-run.

Marriage

Hunting for Acorns

I grew up as a Grade A certified people pleaser. I needed praise like that prehistoric squirrel in Ice Age needed that acorn. I did everything I could to receive positive, encouraging, uplifting words from those around me. It filled me up. It drove me on. It made everything right in my little world.

When I didn’t receive any sort of feedback, I was disappointed beyond description. Like that poor squirrel staring at his acorn frozen inside a glacier. What I needed so badly was right there inside this other person, yet I couldn’t do anything to get it out of them.

What was worse was when I received any sort of criticism. That brought my world to a screeching halt. It didn’t matter what form it took – a look, a sigh, a body posture, a tone of voice, a word, a phrase, or an action. It was worse than just not getting praise; more than just not finding my acorn. It was like watching the acorn I had worked so hard for be decimated in front of me.

While I have since overcome this people pleasing addiction, I must admit that I still struggle with criticism. That’s the focus of this article – the power of criticism.

Now, I’m about to let all the ladies in on a little known fact. So, listen up ladies. This is the key to the typical man. Yes, I said THE KEY and I’m not exaggerating.

Most men – in fact, I would venture to say the vast majority of men – are praise-acorn chasing squirrels. They want it. They thrive on it. I believe they need it. Praise. Encouragement. Support. Faith. Respect. They collect them and hoard them away like acorns as if facing an impending eternal winter.

Withholding it from him is like freezing the acorn in a glacier. That’s harsh.

But, criticizing him is like destroying the acorn right in front of him. If the criticism is bad enough, then you’re reaching into his stored up stash of positivity and destroying it too.

I’m not exaggerating.

I’m 100% serious right now.

This is the real deal.

Criticism is like kryptonite to a man.

It can show up in a look you give him, in your body language, in a sigh, in your tone of voice, in the words you choose to use, in your overall interaction with him.

This might not make sense to you. You probably don’t think it’s that bad or that you do it that much or that it affects him that deeply. Here’s the truth – it is that bad; you do it more than you think; and it does affect him deeply.

Consider what your acorn is instead. Maybe it’s affection. Maybe it’s compliments. Maybe it’s help around the house or with the kids. Maybe it is time alone with him. Maybe it is actual, meaningful conversation. Whatever it is for you – that thing that drives you, that you crave more of, that you store up like those acorns before an impending eternal winter – bring it to mind.

Picture what it feels like to get one. Imagine what it feels like to have one withheld just out of reach. Remember what it felt like to have it destroyed in front of you or, worse, to have what you had saved up demolished in one shot.

Just because you hunt different acorns, doesn’t mean his are any less valuable.

Quit trying to feed him your kind of acorn and instead realize that you have an endless supply of his kind right inside of you. You have kind words. You have praise. You have encouragement. You have respect that you can give your man any time you want.

The question is, are you willing? Are you willing to be mindful of what your man needs? Are you willing to serve him by giving him what he needs? Are you willing to pause your own fervid hunt for affection-acorns in order to contribute to his hunt for praise-acorns?

In my humble opinion, it really ultimately comes down to what kind of man you want to have – one that is well-fed and confident because of his plentiful store of acorns or one that is angry, defensive, starving and also highly unmotivated to share with you the stash of your kind of acorns that he carries around inside of him.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Man – the June eNewsletter

It is terrible to watch societal trends swing from one extreme to the other like a big pendulum. We moved from total frigidity in the Victorian era to total liberality in our modern era. We went from women having no rights to a brand of feminism that many have taken to the militant degree.

For this newsletter, I want to focus upon the pendulum that has swung in regard to men. Men used to hold all the power and authority. They were the only ones counted as people in a census. They had the money and the property. They made all the decisions for society. We actually still see this attitude in some cultures around the world today.

I will be the first one to stand up and cheer that this particular brand of masculinity is not the norm in America anymore. But, I will also be the first one to stand up for men against the male-bashing that the feminists have acquired as their favorite pastime. Just watch any sitcom and the father is the butt of all the jokes. The mother is the strong one while the father is the schmuck. The wife is the smart one while the husband is the fool.

I believe that God did not intend for either gender to be regarded in a negative or lowly way. Neither gender is superior or meant to rule over the other. Men and women were designed in tandem, to come together as a strong partnership, both equally made in God’s image and infused with natural talents and spiritual gifts.

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to honor the man that God created men to be.

FAITH
I have heard the arguments that place great significance on the fact that God created man before woman. I have also heard the theory that Adam had no gender until God created Eve because the word adama is the generic term for humanity, not the term for the male gender. I don’t know that I have been persuaded to a particular argument, but the fact that both claims can be made shows that we are applying human wisdom and reasoning to God’s design. Which means we have it wrong no matter what we argue.

There is no argument, however, that God made male and female people just like He made male and female animals and plant-life. His design is for the two elements to come together; to partner for God’s larger plan. Each gender has a part and each gender is to do their part to the glory of God, for the benefit of their partner, and for the greater good of their community.

I believe each gender embodies unique aspects of God’s nature. God is described as both Father and Mother in the Old Testament. He is ascribed both masculine and feminine characteristics. When man and woman come together, they are bringing into union the aspects of God’s nature that they each uniquely reflect.

When that union is centered on Christ, then actual oneness is achieved. He is the bond the keeps the two together. He makes it possible for the two parts to become a beautiful whole. You honor God when you honor man. You honor God when you honor woman. You honor God when you honor His design for bringing them together in harmony and union. Not just in a marriage way, but in a family and community.

MARRIAGE
Marriage brings together a man and woman and makes them one, so that they are no longer two separate entities with separate goals and separate futures. They have become one, a strong partnership intended for life.

Outside of marriage, men and women still work best together because they bring balance. They see the world differently. They experience life differently. When the genders work together, God’s creation is honored and blessed. When the balance is disturbed, we find oppression, injustice, and even abuse.

I want to highlight a few of the male qualities of this union. I am speaking in generalities, so all men will find themselves somewhere between weakly possessing these qualities and strongly possessing them. The point is to celebrate the way that God made men overall.

Generally speaking, men possess an innate desire to protect and provide for their family. In Genesis 2, it says that God put the man in the Garden to work it. The woman is to help, but the onus of the job rests on the man. All cultures since creation have reflected this quality in men. Anthropology, sociology, and psychology all support that there is a difference between the genders when it comes to working, providing, and protecting – and clearly it is one of God’s strongest qualities too.

Men are more left-brained, meaning they are more logical and systematic in their thinking. Numbers, space, distance, time, and speed are easier for them to understand and to calculate. They are generally less emotionally-driven in decision-making. In fact, most men are capable of bypassing the emotional center of their amygdale so they can focus on the task at hand and not allow emotions to overwhelm what needs to be done. Additionally, they tend to be more action-oriented and competitive. This is why men tend to be soldiers, engineers, construction workers, lawyers and doctors (especially surgeons).

God made men with these natural abilities, tendencies, and talents to complement and work in conjunction with the way He created women. These are wonderfully masculine qualities, without which our world would suffer.

FAMILY
It is obvious that one of the biggest problems in American culture is the lack of fathers. When divorce rates and out-of-wedlock births skyrocketed, so did single-parent homes. We have been living with the long-term consequences of this trend for a while now and it is apparent that we are suffering without men in families.

Adolescents raised in single-parent homes have higher rates of sexual activity, drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy, sexual and physical abuse, living in poverty, crime and incarceration.

Clearly, children need their fathers. Men play a significant role in the health and well-being of their families. Not just because they tend to be the protectors and providers, but because of the contributions their gender brings to the family dynamic.

Imagine what life would be like without the masculine qualities of God. What if God didn’t provide for us? What if He didn’t protect us? What if He didn’t think logically? What if He had no clear big-picture in mind? What if God lacked action?
How can we find that reality horrifying, yet believe it makes no difference to raise kids without their fathers?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Children need fathers, but the kind of fathers that love God, love their wives, and live for the good of their families. Wives need husbands who love them as God loves us; who seek strong partnerships with them. Society needs strong, godly men who don’t seek their own good, who don’t seek to win and glorify themselves, and who don’t strive for a position of authority.

God made no mistakes when He made men. God made them in His image. God infused them with aspects of His nature. God designed them to be in relationship with Him, to be one with their wives, and to be a positive influence over their children.

This Father’s Day, let us pause and reflect on how important it is to have our men. Let us honor the significance of fathers. Let us recognize that life is better when men and women come together in strong partnerships, uniting their strengths, and working in harmony. Society is failed when the pendulum swings men into the role of controlling, domineering overlords. And it is failed when the pendulum swings men into being insignificant, unnecessary, and inferior. We need the men that God designed man to be.

Let us honor our Heavenly Father by honoring His creation of earthly fathers. Not just for a day, but for every day.

Faith, Marriage

Do or Die Trying

I’m going to begin this article pretty point blank.

Marriage is a covenant – that means you do or die trying.

And you ain’t dead yet.

I know that in our culture and time, that is pretty harsh. But, who else is giving it to you straight? If we keep tip-toeing around the truth of the matter, we will continue to watch families and churches and, heck, even society crumble before our very eyes.

Now, if your mind has automatically started to rattle off all the “biblical” reasons for divorce. Let’s put the kibosh on that right now.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so,’” (Matthew 19:8, ESV).

Divorce was allowed because people’s hearts (and heads) were hard. Too hard for agape love and unconditional grace to penetrate. That is because before Christ, God’s people did not have His Spirit living inside of them, they did not have a direct 24/7/365 connection to God, and they did not have Jesus’ example to follow.

We, on the other hand, have no excuse. Denying the direction of the Holy Spirit, the very will of God, and ignoring Christ’s example is not a good enough reason to walk away from your covenant.

Now here is the part where I put in my little side note – there is never, ever, EVER any excuse for abuse. This entry is not about staying in a relationship where you and/or your children are being severely mistreated. As a counselor, I have advised women (and men) in that situation to take a period of separation and to pray their hardest for their spouse’s true repentance and reconciliation. Yes, reconciliation. You need that space for safety and for you to be able to listen for the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

I also know that many people experience infidelity in their marriage and that it is very hard to overcome. I, for one, have already threatened my spouse with bodily harm should he ever be unfaithful to me. But, I have seen couples overcome it and I never advise divorce as a catch-all response to cheating. You have to pray about your particular situation and see where the Lord leads you. It can be overcome if both people are committed to overcoming it.

So, back to my main message: If she or he ain’t beatin’ or cheatin’ then you need to keep going. Keep trying. Keep working at it.

Of course, I am only speaking to you about you. You can’t make your spouse try. You can’t make your spouse stay if he or she has chosen or is choosing to leave the relationship.

And it may seem most days like you are the only one trying – but the truth is that God is the third party of that covenant and He will always be working harder than you are to make this relationship work. Go to Him with your hurt and disappointment. Give Him your broken heart and unmet needs. But, then you need to take the love that you have for God and pour it out upon your spouse. Regardless of what he or she may be doing with the honor that was put into their care on that wedding day so long ago. God will take care of it.

Staying committed to your marriage is truly about staying committed to God. If your eyes and your heart remain on what your spouse may or may not be doing for you, then you have missed the point and you will fail. I know this isn’t easy when things are going roughly. I know this isn’t fun when things are hurtful. I’m not dismissing the pain or the effort. I am giving you a way through it by remaining committed to God.

Ultimately, the question of remaining faithful to your marriage covenant is not, “Will you stay?” But, rather, it is God asking you, “Do you trust me?”

Marriage

Whoa, That Lovin’ Feeling

“Bring back that lovin’ feeling ‘cause it’s gone… gone… gone. Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa.”

If the lyrics above aren’t bringing the song to mind, just picture a bunch of Air Force fly-boys singing it in Top Gun. Who doesn’t love the Righteous Brothers, right?

But, what do you do when life imitates art and you actually have lost that lovin’ feeling?

Perhaps you want to get it back. Perhaps you don’t. The truth of the matter is that you just don’t feel it anymore. You look at your spouse and the twitterpated-ness that you experienced at the start has completely faded away.

What now?

Are diminished feelings reason enough to walk out the door? Is there a way to get them back or are you sentencing yourself to spending the remainder of your life as you currently are if you stay?

It may seem like you are faced with only a few choices here: Stay or leave? Revive the feelings or remain the same?

Let’s put those choices and those questions on the back-burner for now. I want to see if we can approach this situation from a different angle, perhaps bypassing these questions altogether.

I want you to recall the last time you were extremely happy. Did your favorite team win a tough game? Did your child do something totally awesome? Did you succeed at something you really struggled with?

Whatever it was, bring that moment to mind. Picture where you were.

See the scene.

Feel the emotion.

Remember what you were thinking.

Now, did the experience direct your emotion or did your emotion direct your experience? Let me ask it another way: which came first – the happiness-inducing moment or the happiness itself?

You were in one emotional state and then suddenly “it” happened. Your mind took in and processed the event as your senses perceived it.

You saw something, you smelled something, you heard something, you felt something, you tasted something… all that information got inputted into your brain and processed. What your brain spit out was a determination that this was a very good thing.

How did your brain decide it was a good thing?

It compared this event against some standard that you have adopted. It was compared to something that you believe deeply.  You believe it is good for your team to win or for your child to do what he or she did or for you to succeed.

This circumstance met the standard you hold in your mind.

And this made you feel very happy.

Now…

Why is it that someone else is happy when your team loses? Why is it that someone else is indifferent to your child’s achievement? Why is it that someone else is upset at your success? (Contrary to popular belief it probably isn’t just because they are an idiot. So keep reading.)

It is because they either perceived the situation differently or they hold a different belief than you.

If either your perception or your belief changes (not the circumstances), then you get a different experience. Your happy experience is someone else’s sad experience because you each took in the information and compared it to a different belief. Your brains determined the situation differently making you each feel differently.

Now go back to that lost lovin’ feeling.

Is it really gone… gone… gone, whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa?

Or has your perception changed? Or your belief changed?

Maybe you have developed different expectations for your spouse. He should be doing this. She should be doing that. He doesn’t act the way that I want him to. She doesn’t do the things that I like.

If either the perceptions or beliefs change, the experience is different. What used to make you happy or loving, now makes you upset or disappointed.

So, your perception or your belief needs to change again in order to bring back that lovin’ feeling.

The controls are in your hands, fly-boy. You may not be able to change the circumstances, but you can change how you see them, what you think about them, and ultimately how you feel about them.

You control these things.

If you want to get back that lovin’ feeling, it all starts with having some serious conversations with your brain.

Watching Top Gun once or twice won’t hurt either. I mean, come on, it is an awesome movie.

Marriage

To Catch You When You Fall

Earlier this week I was blessed to witness a profoundly moving performance that represented what it means to love someone in sickness and in health. There was this one particular moment that really stuck with me. It was when the stronger partner came up behind the ailing one and slipped his feet underneath hers so that he was actually doing the walking for her.

It was a truly poignant moment.

She couldn’t walk on her own anymore and instead of simply picking her up and carrying her, he gave her the use of his feet. That’s what it means to be a partner to someone. You don’t do things for them. You don’t interfere with their individuality or impede on their independence. You lend them your strength. You share with them your resources. You avail yourself in whatever way they need to continue on their own.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, “For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (ESV)

In Hebrew, the word translated to “lift up” means to stand or arise, not to carry. And, in ancient Israel, to say “woe” was to speak of imminent death.

So King Solomon, the traditionally attributed author to this Old Testament book and the wisest man to have ever lived (except for Jesus), looked at what life is without God and called it meaningless – except when he looked at companionship. He saw virtue in having a partner.

Being alone meant death. Having a companion was a blessing. But, only if that companion was a true partner.

A partner shares in your toil, lifts you up when you have fallen, shares their warmth in the midst of the coldness of life, and sticks with you against all adversaries (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

A pleasant face, a wicked sense of humor, entertaining stories, wealth and resources, a pleasurable touch – these are all companionable features. But to borrow a word from Solomon, they are meaningless if they are not possessed by one who is also capable of being a partner to you.

I believe we have all experienced a betrayal by someone we cared about. A failure to meet expectations in a time of great need. A shortcoming that left you stranded in the midst of great toil, or fallen, or cold, or under attack. We believed this person to be a partner and instead they proved themselves merely a companion.

But isn’t it worse to be this sort of person than it is to have been betrayed by one?

If your betrayal is quite recent, you may be saying ‘no’. However, in the grand scheme of things, who you are is so much more important than who you are with.

Why work so hard at discerning the difference between companion and partner when choosing a spouse or close friend if you cannot reciprocate? I think that would be the deepest betrayal of all. Luring a person of worth into being a partner to you when you cannot or will not be the same for them.

So, I guess my point is that while it is of gravest importance to seek out a true partner for your life because “woe to him who is alone when he falls”, it is even more important to be a true partner yourself. Look inward before you look outward, but keep the same standards in mind for both.

Marriage

The Sigh Heard Round the World

Into the middle of a group of women lamenting their romantic failures walks Jerry Maguire ready to claim his woman. In this iconic scene of a humble and sincere declaration of love comes the infamous line, “You complete me.”

Women around the world let out a collective *sigh*.

That is what we think we want.

To have a man need us. To have him realize that we are his other half, that life would not be whole without you. You want to complete him.

A truly romantic, fantastical notion.

*sigh*

But not at all based in reality. And women truly don’t want it either. Not really.

We need to be needed. We strive to be important, significant, irreplaceable. But to complete someone? Really? You want to hitch your wagon to that half-developed star?

Lifelong relationships will only work between two full-people, not two half-people. These people complement one another. They don’t complete one another.

It was the whole point of another iconic romantic movie, “The Runaway Bride”. It’s what the whole deal with the eggs symbolized. Julia Roberts’ character was meandering through life as a half-person, taking up with different people hoping that they would complete her. It wasn’t until she met Richard Gere’s character that she was faced with the reality of her existence. She was so completely clueless as to who she was as an individual that she couldn’t even figure out how she liked her own eggs cooked.

Do you know how you like your eggs cooked?

Do you have your own set of values and opinions and experiences and emotional reactions firmly planted, making up who you are as an individual? Or are you a reed on the riverbank, bending whichever direction the wind takes you?

I know that it can be scary to look into yourself and ask “who am I?” But, it must be done. No one else can tell you what you think, what you feel, or who you are. You must decide what makes you, you.

Only when you are a complete person, in and of yourself, are you then ready to couple up with someone else. Preferably, another complete person because otherwise you’ll be spinning your proverbial wheels.

Throw out the dependence. Veto the co-dependence. Overrun the independence too. Instead, adopt an interdependence, in which you come together and allow the other person’s strengths to complement your weaknesses.

Find a way to *sigh* over the ways in which you are a match. Maybe one of you is level-headed while the other is passionate and headstrong. Maybe one of you is detail-oriented while the other keeps their eyes on the big picture. Maybe one of you is process-oriented while the other is people-oriented. Maybe one of you is a thinker while the other is a feeler.

The one caveat that I want to throw into this whole love-fest is that you will never, nor should you ever, find another person to fill the role that God is meant to have in your life. It is only God who can truly ‘complete’ you. He knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb. He has a plan for your life if you will let Him guide you, and these plans are much, much better than anything you have for yourself. He knows what makes you tick, what makes you smile, what makes you feel fulfilled and happy. It is with Him, and with Him only, that you should be dependent because He is the one who possesses your next breath, who holds the keys to the treasure of blessings waiting to be poured upon you, who carries in His hand every tear that you have ever wept, and who died to be your Savior.

I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of love that makes me truly and deeply *sigh*.

Marriage

Choose For Today

I have been with my husband for the past 14 years. In that time, we have known countless couples. It has always amazed us to see how people make their marriages something awesome, but also how people make their marriages something awful.

We shake our heads and wonder how people make it so complicated.

Because marriage really only comes down to one thing: choice.

You simply need to choose your spouse every day. That’s it. That’s the foundation of all great marriages, of all great relationships, really.

I’m not saying that we haven’t experienced our share of storms in our 14 years together. Trust me, we have had some doozies. But, we have always come out stronger on the other side because the storms never happen between us, they only happen around us.

Our relationship is the calm in the center of every storm we have ever faced. We serve as the other’s anchor. We fight the currents that seek to pull us away from each other, the tides that strive to cause us to drift apart. We cling to each other and hold fast.

Whenever I stick out my hand, whether to give or receive help or comfort, it is for my husband that I am reaching.

It will always be my husband for whom I am reaching. Because I have made my choice.

He was my choice in the summer of 1996 when I first gave him the time of day. He was my choice on March 25, 2000 when I officially said ‘I do.’

He was my choice yesterday.

He is my choice today.

He will be my choice tomorrow.

It’s that simple.

And it’s that hard.

Sometimes it’s hard to forsake all else for him, but luckily he makes my sacrifices few and far between. And he makes them worth it by choosing me back.

So, yes, we wonder why people make marriage so complicated. Because it really just comes down to a choice.

Marriage

Intimacy Isn’t Just Sex

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word ‘Intimacy’?

For most people, they would say that sex is what comes to mind. Perhaps affection is in there too, but the problem is how this word has been hijacked from its actual meaning and purpose. I’m not saying that sex isn’t intimate, but without the other aspects of intimacy, how intimate can it really be? How personal, private, and affectionate can a merely physical act really be?

True intimacy is a multi-faceted experience much like a cherished gemstone. They are all connected and depending upon which side of the prism you choose to look through, you will see a different dimension of the whole thing. Everyone seems to have their favorite facet to experience intimacy through, but one can become blind to the other facets if it isn’t observed from all angles at least some of the time. And doesn’t conflict and discord usually come when two people are looking at the same situation from different sides of it? In order to achieve real intimacy with your spouse, take time to peer through each side to make sure that the entire gem is being nurtured.

Facet #1 – Thoughts

Many of us spend way too much time in our own heads. We allow our own interpretation of events and our own self-talk define our reality. We have opinions, beliefs, and values that are extremely important to us. It was Rene Descartes that said “I think therefore I am.” In at least one way he is correct – how we think shapes who we perceive ourselves to be. What I mean is that the role I assign myself in my life story affects whether I am a hero or a victim, whether it is a comedy or tragedy or romance, and whether I spend it happily ever after or pining for what I never accomplished. Opening up your mind by sharing your deepest and most meaningful thoughts with the person who you trust the most, will bring about a depth of knowledge and understanding that supports a strong intimate connection with that person.

Facet #2 – Feelings

One of my favorite sayings came from Emerson Eggerichs: “Your feelings are not the voice of God.” There are plenty of times I have to remind myself of that fact. Our emotional experience, our visceral experience is mega-powerful in how we relate to the world and to other people. This is why way too many of us believe that love is an emotion. We experience all the wonderful feelings that can spring from love (like passion, peace, joy, lust, contentment, gratitude, etc.) and mistake it for love itself. We expect them to be maintained as long as we continue to be with the person we love. That just isn’t true. Love is an action and emotions fade if they aren’t nurtured. Delving into the depths of your emotional experience and actively, intentionally tending to your feelings will enrich your intimate life.

Facet #3 – Social

The people that we devote our time and energy to are the ones that we are the closest to. You cannot have a strong connection with someone that you do not spend time with. And this is one thing that you cannot skate by on the whole ‘quality over quantity’ bologna. Investing your most valuable currency – the finite minutes and seconds of your life here on earth – into your marriage will be significant to determining how strong that relationship is, how devoted you are to each other, and how satisfying you find your marriage to be.

Facet #4 – Spiritual

According to one major research study, praying together as a couple was the strongest indicator for predicting long-term satisfaction in the marriage. Couples who prayed together were 50% more likely to describe their marriage as being romantic. And, couples who pray together on a regular basis have a divorce rate of only 1%. We are spiritual beings that need to be connected to our Heavenly Father, but we are also designed to be connected in a soul-deep way to our spouse. If you want to truly become one, to truly become intimate with him/her, then pray together, worship together, and make Christ the center of your marriage.

Facet #5 – Physical

Notice I said physical and not sexual. That was intentional. Have you ever heard that men are like microwaves and women are like slow-cookers? There is a lot of truth to it. For most women, desire does not precede arousal. Basically, she doesn’t want to be doing it until she’s doing it. That is the benefit of affection. Not affection just for the sole purpose of getting the juices flowing, but for the purpose of staying connected even in simple ways all of the time. (Plus, it definitely helps with the whole arousal thing.) Non-sexual touches, genuine affection, sexual encounters, and snuggling afterward are all major and important pieces to this facet of intimacy. It is a powerful and amazing way to connect with your spouse, but as you have seen it isn’t the end-all, be-all of intimacy.

So, don’t get too caught up at observing your connection to your spouse through only your favorite facet, because they all touch and they all reflect off of each other. If you only shine one side of a gem and allow the other sides to erode away, how well maintained will it be? The same goes for your marital intimacy. Take a moment to assess where your relationship is in relation to each facet. Turn it around in your mind’s eye and inspect how well or poor each facet has been maintained. And then work on it. Because this is one kind of work that will pay off big time, resulting in a deep and satisfyingly intimate connection to your other half.