Category Archives: Marriage

Family, General, Marriage

Playground Antics

When I was in grade school, there was this one boy (we shall call him Donnie) that was a terror to pretty much everyone, but especially to me. Now, I know you may be thinking that he pulled my hair because he liked me – typical playground antics, right? Wrong. This boy was just a plain old bully and I was a doormat who took it, ’nuff said. But what made me remember this boy is that I see the playground antics that Donnie used to pull on us taking place between adults every single day. Apparently, we don’t outgrow some of those fundamental interpersonal dynamics.

One of the things Donnie used to do that drove everyone crazy and most of the girls to tears was taking away the four-square ball. We would be in the middle of a game and he would either walk through the middle grabbing the ball and taking it with him as he went or he would catch a ball that had gone astray of the court and keep it. Either way, Donnie had our ball – the implement necessary to achieve a fun-filled and satisfying recess experience – and he was not giving it back. He was withholding what we needed to somehow get us to give in to his demands. He would make us beg for it back or act like fools for his amusement or tell him how awesome he was before he would return the ball. There were times when we complied and just went through the motions to get the ball back and there were times when we refused to play his game and everyone ignored him for the rest of the day. Either way, his antics did not work. We were not motivated to authentically meet his needs for attention and acknowledgement by his actions. We either faked it or ignored him.

So, what’s the every day application for us as adults? How does the Donnie experience translate from the playground to the living room? Easy. We all take turns being the Donnie and we all take turns being the upset girls in every relationship we have. We all have a ball of some sort – that implement necessary to achieve a fun-filled and satisfying life experience. For some it may be affection. For others it may be sex. For some it may be conversation. For others it may be receiving help from the other person. It doesn’t matter what your ball is, just know that your ball is; it exists and someone else has it. Hopefully he’s not a Donnie.

And hopefully you aren’t a Donnie either. Of course we all want others to play nice with us when it comes to our ball, but how are you in return? Do you grab the ball and walk away ignoring the fact that you are leaving the other person without their ball? Do you take it and hold it over your head to motivate the other person to meet your demands (like giving you your ball first)? If these tactics don’t work to motivate you to authentically meet their needs, then how do you expect them to work on others? If you don’t want the other person to fake it for you or to flat out ignore you, then you need to do something different.

You must find a way to deal with the Donnie’s in your life and then refrain from being a Donnie to others. If you take nothing else from this week’s message, remember this: You will never motivate another person to meet your needs by withholding theirs. So, keep the playground antics on the playground and be the one to serve the needs of others first.

Faith, Marriage

The Greater Good

This afternoon my sons were watching the movie ‘The Incredibles’. My favorite scene is when one of the retired superheroes asks his wife where to find his super suit. She responds evasively leading him to a final exasperated appeal, “We’re talking about the greater good!” I love her answer: “Greater good? I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever going to get!” I realized today that my love for this scene goes beyond it being a very humorously performed scene. The reason I love it is because of her point. He is planning on ditching their evening together to serve the community without consulting her at all. Despite the urgency and the clear gravity of the situation (I mean, come on, a killer robot is destroying the city), he is losing perspective of what is really important. His community may need him and leaving his family to serve them may be ‘the greater good’, but his wife is, in fact, ‘the greatest good’ he will ever get. Being her husband is his highest calling after loving God, and everything else must take lower priorities-even when duty calls.

The reverse is true as well. Actually, I was pondering all of this as another scene from the movie came up that caught my attention. It is when the main characters, Mr. Incredible and Elasti-Girl, arrive to fight the killer robot and he attempts to leave her behind in order to keep her safe. Her response is “You are my husband and I go with you.” I love it. She is choosing him in that moment. She is supporting his efforts for ‘the greater good’ rather than feeling passed over because she is part of the process.

In real life, we aren’t superheroes fighting killer robots for the greater good, but we are still choosing other things that we have deemed important over our spouses way more often than is good for our marriages. The things that we are choosing are usually really good things: work, children, church, family. The things that we are choosing are sometimes things that can’t be done with our spouse. The point isn’t whether your spouse is there with you as you do these things. The choosing comes in your manner of thinking.

When you consider accepting a request, taking on another obligation, or signing up for a project, do you first think about the people asking or about yourself or about your family or about your spouse? In my humble opinion, I say that it should be your spouse. It goes without saying that I will think about myself, at least as far as my availability and interest in the situation, but if I am ‘one’ with my husband then he should be right there in that consideration. I will be thinking in terms of ‘we’ instead of just in ‘me’. It doesn’t matter the significance of the request, even if it would be in service of the ‘the greater good’, I need to remember that my spouse is ‘the greatest good’ I am ever going to get and choose him above anything else.

Marriage

The Whole Oneness Thing

Having grown up in the Church, I have been exposed to pretty much every Bible story there is. And it seems as though there is always a part that leaves me scratching my head, thinking “How does that work, exactly?” Moses and the Red Sea. Jonah and the big fish. Daniel and the lions. Jesus walking on water. Most of them don’t have a tangible implication on my life, so I take them at face value as stories on faith. I don’t see myself needing to understand the mechanics of getting the Red Sea to open up for me, or how to survive in a whale for three days, or how to chill out with hungry lions for a sleepover, or how to walk out to a boat on the middle of a lake.

But, what about the stories that do have a real implication and leave me guessing as to how it is supposed to work? Take Adam and Eve in Genesis 2 as an example. Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Now, Adam was made full-grown. He didn’t have any parents that he had to leave. He was able to go straight to union with his wife. This verse is for our benefit, so we know how this marriage thing is supposed to work. Step one, wave good-bye to the folks. Check. Step two, be united with your spouse. Double check. Step three, become one flesh. Huh? How does that work, exactly?

Unfortunately, reading the rest of Adam and Eve’s story doesn’t provide us with much direction on achieving that whole oneness thing. Instead it tells you how to mess it up, which is by sinning. But, it is not a lesson for getting it right. It takes reading the rest of God’s story to understand what is involved in living in a state of oneness with a spouse. Yep, I mean the whole Bible. Okay, so maybe reading the highly detailed instructions for building the traveling sanctuary for Israel’s wilderness wanderings doesn’t give us a whole lot of help, but even in there we get a valuable lesson. Follow God’s instructions and you will get it right.

So what are God’s instructions? Jesus boiled them all down to two. “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Mark 12:30-31) If you can get those two down, then you’re golden. Especially in your marriage. Love God and love your spouse more than yourself.

I know that I just left you scratching your head, thinking “How does that work, exactly?” Just keep reading Jesus’ story because He gave us some awesome examples of what love looks like in action. Do it like Jesus and you will be doing it right. If you are looking for specifics on the ins and outs of the daily mechanics of faith and marriage, it will take much more than this blog post to cover all that. As it happens though, I will be teaching on these very things at an upcoming couples retreat in June. It would be great to see you there and together wrestle with applying some of those head-scratching-inducing Scriptures on marriage.