What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word ‘Intimacy’?

For most people, they would say that sex is what comes to mind. Perhaps affection is in there too, but the problem is how this word has been hijacked from its actual meaning and purpose. I’m not saying that sex isn’t intimate, but without the other aspects of intimacy, how intimate can it really be? How personal, private, and affectionate can a merely physical act really be?

True intimacy is a multi-faceted experience much like a cherished gemstone. They are all connected and depending upon which side of the prism you choose to look through, you will see a different dimension of the whole thing. Everyone seems to have their favorite facet to experience intimacy through, but one can become blind to the other facets if it isn’t observed from all angles at least some of the time. And doesn’t conflict and discord usually come when two people are looking at the same situation from different sides of it? In order to achieve real intimacy with your spouse, take time to peer through each side to make sure that the entire gem is being nurtured.

Facet #1 – Thoughts

Many of us spend way too much time in our own heads. We allow our own interpretation of events and our own self-talk define our reality. We have opinions, beliefs, and values that are extremely important to us. It was Rene Descartes that said “I think therefore I am.” In at least one way he is correct – how we think shapes who we perceive ourselves to be. What I mean is that the role I assign myself in my life story affects whether I am a hero or a victim, whether it is a comedy or tragedy or romance, and whether I spend it happily ever after or pining for what I never accomplished. Opening up your mind by sharing your deepest and most meaningful thoughts with the person who you trust the most, will bring about a depth of knowledge and understanding that supports a strong intimate connection with that person.

Facet #2 – Feelings

One of my favorite sayings came from Emerson Eggerichs: “Your feelings are not the voice of God.” There are plenty of times I have to remind myself of that fact. Our emotional experience, our visceral experience is mega-powerful in how we relate to the world and to other people. This is why way too many of us believe that love is an emotion. We experience all the wonderful feelings that can spring from love (like passion, peace, joy, lust, contentment, gratitude, etc.) and mistake it for love itself. We expect them to be maintained as long as we continue to be with the person we love. That just isn’t true. Love is an action and emotions fade if they aren’t nurtured. Delving into the depths of your emotional experience and actively, intentionally tending to your feelings will enrich your intimate life.

Facet #3 – Social

The people that we devote our time and energy to are the ones that we are the closest to. You cannot have a strong connection with someone that you do not spend time with. And this is one thing that you cannot skate by on the whole ‘quality over quantity’ bologna. Investing your most valuable currency – the finite minutes and seconds of your life here on earth – into your marriage will be significant to determining how strong that relationship is, how devoted you are to each other, and how satisfying you find your marriage to be.

Facet #4 – Spiritual

According to one major research study, praying together as a couple was the strongest indicator for predicting long-term satisfaction in the marriage. Couples who prayed together were 50% more likely to describe their marriage as being romantic. And, couples who pray together on a regular basis have a divorce rate of only 1%. We are spiritual beings that need to be connected to our Heavenly Father, but we are also designed to be connected in a soul-deep way to our spouse. If you want to truly become one, to truly become intimate with him/her, then pray together, worship together, and make Christ the center of your marriage.

Facet #5 – Physical

Notice I said physical and not sexual. That was intentional. Have you ever heard that men are like microwaves and women are like slow-cookers? There is a lot of truth to it. For most women, desire does not precede arousal. Basically, she doesn’t want to be doing it until she’s doing it. That is the benefit of affection. Not affection just for the sole purpose of getting the juices flowing, but for the purpose of staying connected even in simple ways all of the time. (Plus, it definitely helps with the whole arousal thing.) Non-sexual touches, genuine affection, sexual encounters, and snuggling afterward are all major and important pieces to this facet of intimacy. It is a powerful and amazing way to connect with your spouse, but as you have seen it isn’t the end-all, be-all of intimacy.

So, don’t get too caught up at observing your connection to your spouse through only your favorite facet, because they all touch and they all reflect off of each other. If you only shine one side of a gem and allow the other sides to erode away, how well maintained will it be? The same goes for your marital intimacy. Take a moment to assess where your relationship is in relation to each facet. Turn it around in your mind’s eye and inspect how well or poor each facet has been maintained. And then work on it. Because this is one kind of work that will pay off big time, resulting in a deep and satisfyingly intimate connection to your other half.