Tag Archives: Faith

Faith, General

Pause for Peace

One of my worst habits is running ahead of God. I have been working on breaking it, but self-sufficiency will always be my greatest faith hurdle. I get an idea or find a solution or make a decision and I run with it. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.

The problem is not with how it turns out. The problem is that I am leaning on my own understanding. I’m relying upon myself. I’m only thinking about my own will.

Both in the Lord’s prayer and in his prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed for God’s will to be done.

Are we praying for the same thing?

In Ephesians 5:15-17, Paul gives a strong caution against my worst habit: “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”

When Paul talks about our walk, he is referring to how we live. Look carefully at how you live. And live wisely. “Wise” in the Greek means wise in a practical sense. It refers to someone whose actions are governed by piety (reverence for God) and integrity.

When I look at my actions, I can say that I act with integrity and that I am rather practical about things. The problem is that the formula for real wisdom requires a reverence for God in all that I do. That would be the missing ingredient when I run ahead. Even if it works out well. Even if it works out great. It still isn’t wise because I wasn’t acting with Godly reverence. I wasn’t considering him. I wasn’t consulting him. I wasn’t respecting him.

Instead, I was being foolish – senseless, stupid, rash. The exact thing that Paul is telling us to avoid. Be careful! Don’t be foolish! Because being foolish is not the best use of our time. Such a limited resource like time needs to be used wisely. Acting without a thought for God would not be that. No, instead, we need to understand the will of God.

In my research, my favorite discovery was the meaning of the word “understand” in the Greek. It means to bring together your perception with the thing being perceived. If I am trying to perceive the will of God, then I need to bring my perception to his will (the thing being perceived).

That means that I need to adjust my thoughts, my understanding to the truth, to what is real, to the actual thing. Too many times, we try to shape the truth to fit our perception rather than shaping our perception to fit the truth.

If we are trying to perceive the will of God, we have to bring ourselves to it. That requires humility. That requires molding yourself to him.

It also requires that you stop trying to figure everything out on your own – including God’s will. God’s will belongs to him. We can’t figure it out, force it out, or logic it out. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. So, we must remember…

His will is for him to reveal, not for us to discover.

We could easily treat God’s will like another piece to the puzzle we are trying to solve. We still try to do it in our own way and time and strength.

That is foolish.

It isn’t wise.

It isn’t understanding.

In order for God to reveal his will, we have to go to him. We have to be still, be quiet. We have to listen. That’s how I am working to break the habit of running ahead.

I build in a pause.

I pause to listen, to check in. If I don’t get an answer, I prolong the pause. I don’t unpause until I feel a sense of peace. Not peace about the situation, but a serenity in my next step. A peace that only comes from knowing the will of God.

In his letter to the Colossians, Paul shares a prayer for them from a fellow Colossian, saying: “that you may stand mature and fully assured in all the will of God” (Col. 4:12).

Mature means complete, finished. It is living wisely.

Fully assured means totally convinced. It is understanding (molding your perception to the thing being perceived).

He prayed that we may be complete and completely convinced in God’s will.

That is how we should be. Complete and completely convinced in the will of God, not just your own.

Don’t act, don’t move until you are.

Instead, build in a pause for peace.

Faith

Empathetic Joy

Romans 12:15 tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

That makes me wonder how many of us can genuinely celebrate when others succeed? Are we truly able to join in their joy? Or, do we feel envy or indifference instead?

I think rejoicing when others rejoice sounds easier to do than it really is. There are so many things that we allow to interfere with authentically connecting with others like that.

One thing that interferes is how we see people. Do we really see them as people or do we see them as objects? More often than we would probably like to admit, people become vehicles to get us what we want, obstacles that sit in our way, or they are totally irrelevant to us. So, when the vehicle succeeds, we are selfishly happy because it helps us in some way. If the obstacle succeeds, then we are agitated or annoyed because it will only reinforce their obstacle-ness. If they are irrelevant, then we are indifferent to their success.

What if we were able to see each other as people instead of objects? More so, what if we were able to see each other as an extension of ourselves? I mean, we are all members of one body.

1 Corinthians 12:25-26 says, “There may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”

Really? If one member is honored, all rejoice together?

Most of us do not see others in this way, so we rarely rejoice with them when they are honored instead of us. We end up comparing ourselves with them so that their success makes us feel like failures. Even if their success has nothing to do with us!

We need to break out of the mindset that there are finite successes. That being honored or celebrated is a limited resource that has to be fought over.

I think that another thing that interferes with our ability to experience empathetic joy is how we see ourselves. If we don’t feel joy in ourselves, we can envy the joy we see in others.

We covet and crave instead of join in and share.

We feel threatened instead of empathetic.

Have you ever had someone see you do something well or be blessed in some way and try to jokingly say that they hate you? Yeah. It doesn’t feel good. Not even when they are clearly joking. Yet, we have that reaction when we see others succeed or celebrate or feel joyous.

What is wrong with us?

Well, perhaps the real culprit is that we don’t see the good in ourselves or in our lives, so we end up feeling diminished by the good we see happen to others.

Since we don’t see the source of joy in ourselves, then we end up feeling worse about ourselves when others find it for themselves.

Or, maybe we feel convicted by seeing others get blessed. We fixate on what we lack or what we have failed to do. Somehow, we end up discouraged.

What I find fascinating is that Romans 12:15 (my opening verse) is found under the heading, “Marks of a True Christian.” Empathetic joy is a mark of a true Christian. It is a sign of being a part of the body of Christ.

Can we learn to see others that way? Can we learn to connect with them – authentically?

Can we see their joys, blessings, successes, and good and be inspired instead of threatened? Join in their joy instead of envy or feel bothered by it?

Can we support, encourage, praise and celebrate others?

Can we rejoice together even if it has nothing to do with us?

What about when we think the person doesn’t deserve the good or the blessings they are receiving?

Ouch. Right?

Admittedly, that would be a really hard thing to do. But, the problem with this is that we may be comparing or judging the person, using our own standard or definition as if it is accurate. To us, according to us, they are not good enough or deserving enough to have this good thing happen to them.

Really?

I think this just exposes our lack of trust in God.

We may also be misinterpreting something as good or as a blessing, when maybe it isn’t. Maybe it is a test or even a curse. Maybe we should just let God do his thing and stay out of it.

He tells us to rejoice when others rejoice. He tells us to rejoice together when someone is honored. He tells us that experiencing empathetic joy is a mark of a true Christian.

Can we start to get over ourselves and join in the joy?

I know for me, I sure hope so.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Heat – the August eNewsletter

I live in Arizona in what is affectionately called the Valley of the Sun. In the middle of August, it actually does seem like the sun itself has come to sit right down inside our little valley. Sometimes it can be too hot to even go swimming because the sun has warmed up the water in the pool to an uncomfortable degree. When it hits 118˚, you run from your car to inside your house as fast as possible for fear of the soles of your shoes melting to the pavement. Well, maybe it’s not that bad, but I do still make a mad dash for the air conditioned house because the heat is so oppressive, so exhausting, so debilitating.

No one likes to be sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August…

 

FAITH

…but sometimes, that is exactly where God meets you. In the dead center of the oppressive heat.

Heat is an interesting thing. It warms us when we are cold. It cooks our food. It sterilizes our water. Those are all good things. But, heat can also make you hot – unbearably hot. It can burn your food and dry up your water.

The right amount of heat seems like a blessing. Too much heat seems like a curse. Perhaps that is true when we are talking about the physical body. But, don’t be so quick to judge when God turns up the heat on your spirit. There are times when God allows us to get unbearably hot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There are times when God allows our metaphorical food and water to be dried up. He wants us sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August.

Why?

Because sometimes things need to be burned down to ash before a new thing can spring up. Forestry people know that small forest fires are necessary to maintain the health of the overall forest. The trees that have been growing for a long time develop a canopy of branches and leaves that block the sun from reaching the forest floor. With little sun light, not many plants can survive there, leaving hardly any new growth. There are even some plants with seeds that will only germinate after a hot fire and will then use nutrients from the fire to begin to grow.

If you find yourself in the midst of unbearable spiritual heat, look around and find those things that have been growing for so long that they are preventing any new growth. Allow God to clear out the old things to create something new, perhaps even something that needs this heat to take root and to grow.

Jesus began His ministry by reading a passage of Scripture from Isaiah 61 and declaring it fulfilled by His presence and the work that He had come to do. One of the things that He proclaimed is that He had come to give His people beauty for their ashes. But first there needs to be ashes from which the beauty can come. What is it in your life that needs to face the oppressive heat of August?

 

MARRIAGE

“Those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” – 1 Corinthians 7:28, NIV

Nobody ever reads those words in a wedding ceremony yet they are the reality of married life. We will face many troubles in life and in marriage. Things will go wrong. Times will get hard. The heat of passion will, at times, become a heat of oppression. Heat is inevitable because your spouse is married to a sinner. And you must have some empathy for that because you are married to one too.

Bring two sinners together for a lifetime and things are bound to heat up. And when things heat up, tempers usually flare. In those times, it is essential that you take a look at what is fueling your temper. Did you set up expectations somewhere along the way that have yet to be fulfilled and have now turned into something your spouse owes you? Do you sense some sort of injustice taking place in your relationship? Have you experienced some sort of loss, whether it is real or perceived (e.g. respect, power, identity, security, affection, trust)? Maybe you haven’t lost it yet, but it is being threatened or endangered.

Anger is always fueled by an unpaid emotional debt, injustice, some sort of loss, or fear of a loss. Always. One or more of those things. Without fail. Meaning, take another look at that list instead of blowing off this part of what I’m saying to you.

You cannot solve anger in anger because the problem lies behind it. You have to solve the problem at the problem. When the heat rises and becomes unbearable, look for what lies behind your contribution to this potentially combustible situation.

 

FAMILY

If Paul thought that those who marry will face many troubles in this life, then he had no clue how compounded that statement would be for those who have children. Take a situation that already has two sinners in it and add more to it. It’s like adding fresh kindling to already glowing embers. Little fires pop up all the time. There isn’t a day that goes by without my two little boys getting into some sort of a roe with each other. And there are plenty of days where parenting my children creates some heat under my collar.

What I have come to realize is that it never does any good for me to lose my cool with my kids. My agitation makes my kids more agitated. They bicker even more and are in worse moods when I project negative emotions. Not only does my anger distract them away from the real issue, but it’s like I am adding lighter fluid to their already heated exchange. Everyone remains in a bad mood and the negative energy just seems to simmer before boiling over again.

So, how do we parents remain cool in the midst of the oppressive family heat? Step 1 is to take deep breaths. They are calming. They add oxygen to our brains which will help us remain clear-headed.

Step 2 is to talk to yourself. I recommend doing this part quietly in your head, but it’s up to you. What should you say to yourself? Whatever you find calming, centering, or encouraging. I like to say things like, “Smother the fire,” “Give them a good example,” “Be the adult,” or “Lord Jesus, please calm me down before I go and take this child that I brought into the world out of it.”

Step 3 is to assess yourself and the situation and do the best thing possible at that moment. If you are calm enough to address the issue, then go ahead and do it. If your children are too worked up to hear you, separate them until they calm down. If you are too worked up to do anything other than contribute to the heat, separate your children as a temporary reprieve while you go and calm down. If this is a recurring issue that you have already talked about with your children, then separate your children until you have had time to decide upon a course of action (aka think of something better than what you have already tried with them).

Step 4 is to plan a time, preferably in the very near future, when everyone involved in this negative exchange can enjoy each other. You have to replace the debit that this negativity had upon the family’s overall atmosphere. Maybe you make cookies together after dinner or go rent a movie that everyone can watch or head to the park for a bit of outdoor fun.

That’s it. Breathe. Talk to yourself. Do the best thing you can in the moment. Plan some fun.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think I can get an “Amen” when I say that nobody likes going through the Refiner’s fire. It is uncomfortable. It is oppressive. It downright sucks. But we are always better for it. We appreciate its effect. We revel in the closeness that we feel with God that only comes on the other side of the fire.

I may be literally sitting in the Valley of the Sun in August as I type this letter to you, but we all find ourselves there emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally at one time or another. Perhaps you find yourself there now. Find comfort in the knowledge that God has not forsaken you. God is not punishing you. God is using this time to refine you, to purify you, to make you holy because He is holy.

Zechariah 13:9 says, “I will put [them] into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”

When silver is refined, the Refiner places the silver into the center of the fire where it is the hottest in order to burn away all impurities. He has to sit in front of the fire with His eyes on the silver the entire time because if the silver is left in the fire for even a moment too long, it would be destroyed. He watches the silver because He knows that it has been refined only when He can see His image reflected in it.

In ancient times, in order to test for the purity of gold, it had to be heated. If it retains its color when heated, then it is pure. If it pales, roughens and hardens, or softens and blackens, then it contains impurities.

We will face many troubles in this life, whether married or not, whether parents or not. And it is in these heated troubles, that God refines us like silver and tests us like gold. He burns away the impurities and looks for His reflection. He heats us up and looks for our reaction to see how pure we have become.

May the heat that you next face be a revolutionary heat that purifies you and draws you closer to Jesus.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Ice Cream – the July eNewsletter

I bet most of you don’t know that July is national ice cream month and this Sunday, July 17th, is national ice cream day (note to self: Google free ice cream offers for Sunday). Ice cream is certainly a favorite for my kids as it was for me and my sisters when we were kids. My sisters and I always got a kick out of making our own ice cream at home. Every once in a great while my parents were willing to drag out the ice cream maker and undertake the arduous task of creating homemade ice cream. A lot of work went into a little bit of ice cream, but we always thought it was worth it. Nothing beats homemade ice cream. So why go and buy ice cream at the store if it isn’t as good? Simple. Because it is easier. We are willing to settle for lower quality in order to save effort.

Unfortunately, that turns out to be a very compelling metaphor for a lot of things in life.

FAITH

A major claim against Christianity by nonbelievers (and some believers) is that Christians do not walk their talk. Jesus and the Apostles modeled a lifestyle that few modern Christians follow. The Bible teaches principles and values that would make the world a significantly better place if a larger portion of its population practiced them rather than merely considered them.

So why don’t we?

Because living the Christian life and upholding Christian principles and values require a strong connection with God. Our human nature prevents us from fully expressing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control on our own. We need a strong reliance upon Jesus every single day. And that takes effort. Effort that most people aren’t willing to exert.

It is much easier to go to church for an hour a couple Sundays a month and let the worship leader sing the songs for you and the pastor read the Bible and pray to Jesus for you. It is easier to believe and not act. It is easier to put on the Christian moniker than the armor of God.

Let’s face it. Just like that homemade ice cream, we know that having our own relationship with Jesus is so much better! And just like that ice cream, we find ourselves willing to scrimp on quality in order to save on effort. We rely on others to do our praying for us. We wait for others to prompt our Bible reading or share Scriptures they’ve read. We get lazy or busy or tired or distracted.

Stop settling for store-made Jesus. Make your own relationship with Him.

MARRIAGE

Most relationships start out really good. Like homemade ice cream good. And it is because we are willing to put forth the effort to meet the other person’s emotional needs. We listen. We encourage. We smile and touch. We say nice things. We spend time together. We have fun together.

Unfortunately, most relationships go the way of the ice cream. Life gets complicated. Time gets filled with obligations and responsibilities. We get jobs or take on hobbies or make other friends or join groups or have kids. Our plate gets fuller and fuller, so the effort we once put into the relationship slowly erodes.

Isn’t it easier just to talk to your friend or get the attaboy from work or get affection from the kids or have fun with our hobbies? That’s where we spend much of our time. That’s where much of our effort already goes. Two birds. One stone. Right?

Only if you want a store-made relationship. And those don’t feel too good or last too long. Keep making the homemade ice cream in your marriage. It takes effort, but it is so much better!

FAMILY

Wow, kids need so much time and effort! If you’re a parent, you know that your day can easily be filled with your kids’ needs and activities. If you want to get anything else done, then you need to find something to occupy your kids. That means school, daycare, their friends’ houses, babysitters, television shows, video games, etc.

I have seen many parents burn-out. They start out with such good intentions and high hopes and then their energy and effort is sucked out of them. It is easier just to let their child watch whatever television he wants, whenever he wants. It is easier to give them a video game to play for hours. It is so much easier when they go to school or daycare. Parents slip from homemade ice cream to store-made ice cream with their parenting.

I have also seen the other extreme. This is the parent that not only makes homemade ice cream, but built the machine herself. She doesn’t use ice cream mix, she makes her own from scratch. She doesn’t put chocolate flavoring in, she has organic raw chocolate that she prepares to flavor the ice cream. She chips the salt from the rock herself. Parents can take it too far and allow their kids to take all their effort and time so that relationships, faith walk, and their own identity suffer for it.

The key is balance. Don’t get lazy and settle for the store-made version of family. But, don’t get so crazy with the homemade version that there are no boundaries and the parent’s identity, self-worth, and life purpose is wrapped up in their kids.

FINAL THOUGHTS

We live in the age of modern convenience, so the idea of putting effort into anything for a sustained period of time is ridiculous to our sensibility. We naturally seek the path of least resistance in everything – relationship work, housework, schoolwork, work work. We only have so much time and energy in a day and too many things are pulling at it – including our own laziness.

Balance looks different for everyone. The key is evaluating your tendencies and tweaking your behavior until you are spending the right amount of effort on the things that are the most important. If you want a life, a faith, a marriage, and a family that is à la homemade ice cream, then you need to do the steps that it takes to produce it. Stop settling for the store-made stuff. It may seem easier in the moment, but we all know that scrimping on quality will disappoint and frustrate us in the long-run.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Man – the June eNewsletter

It is terrible to watch societal trends swing from one extreme to the other like a big pendulum. We moved from total frigidity in the Victorian era to total liberality in our modern era. We went from women having no rights to a brand of feminism that many have taken to the militant degree.

For this newsletter, I want to focus upon the pendulum that has swung in regard to men. Men used to hold all the power and authority. They were the only ones counted as people in a census. They had the money and the property. They made all the decisions for society. We actually still see this attitude in some cultures around the world today.

I will be the first one to stand up and cheer that this particular brand of masculinity is not the norm in America anymore. But, I will also be the first one to stand up for men against the male-bashing that the feminists have acquired as their favorite pastime. Just watch any sitcom and the father is the butt of all the jokes. The mother is the strong one while the father is the schmuck. The wife is the smart one while the husband is the fool.

I believe that God did not intend for either gender to be regarded in a negative or lowly way. Neither gender is superior or meant to rule over the other. Men and women were designed in tandem, to come together as a strong partnership, both equally made in God’s image and infused with natural talents and spiritual gifts.

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to honor the man that God created men to be.

FAITH
I have heard the arguments that place great significance on the fact that God created man before woman. I have also heard the theory that Adam had no gender until God created Eve because the word adama is the generic term for humanity, not the term for the male gender. I don’t know that I have been persuaded to a particular argument, but the fact that both claims can be made shows that we are applying human wisdom and reasoning to God’s design. Which means we have it wrong no matter what we argue.

There is no argument, however, that God made male and female people just like He made male and female animals and plant-life. His design is for the two elements to come together; to partner for God’s larger plan. Each gender has a part and each gender is to do their part to the glory of God, for the benefit of their partner, and for the greater good of their community.

I believe each gender embodies unique aspects of God’s nature. God is described as both Father and Mother in the Old Testament. He is ascribed both masculine and feminine characteristics. When man and woman come together, they are bringing into union the aspects of God’s nature that they each uniquely reflect.

When that union is centered on Christ, then actual oneness is achieved. He is the bond the keeps the two together. He makes it possible for the two parts to become a beautiful whole. You honor God when you honor man. You honor God when you honor woman. You honor God when you honor His design for bringing them together in harmony and union. Not just in a marriage way, but in a family and community.

MARRIAGE
Marriage brings together a man and woman and makes them one, so that they are no longer two separate entities with separate goals and separate futures. They have become one, a strong partnership intended for life.

Outside of marriage, men and women still work best together because they bring balance. They see the world differently. They experience life differently. When the genders work together, God’s creation is honored and blessed. When the balance is disturbed, we find oppression, injustice, and even abuse.

I want to highlight a few of the male qualities of this union. I am speaking in generalities, so all men will find themselves somewhere between weakly possessing these qualities and strongly possessing them. The point is to celebrate the way that God made men overall.

Generally speaking, men possess an innate desire to protect and provide for their family. In Genesis 2, it says that God put the man in the Garden to work it. The woman is to help, but the onus of the job rests on the man. All cultures since creation have reflected this quality in men. Anthropology, sociology, and psychology all support that there is a difference between the genders when it comes to working, providing, and protecting – and clearly it is one of God’s strongest qualities too.

Men are more left-brained, meaning they are more logical and systematic in their thinking. Numbers, space, distance, time, and speed are easier for them to understand and to calculate. They are generally less emotionally-driven in decision-making. In fact, most men are capable of bypassing the emotional center of their amygdale so they can focus on the task at hand and not allow emotions to overwhelm what needs to be done. Additionally, they tend to be more action-oriented and competitive. This is why men tend to be soldiers, engineers, construction workers, lawyers and doctors (especially surgeons).

God made men with these natural abilities, tendencies, and talents to complement and work in conjunction with the way He created women. These are wonderfully masculine qualities, without which our world would suffer.

FAMILY
It is obvious that one of the biggest problems in American culture is the lack of fathers. When divorce rates and out-of-wedlock births skyrocketed, so did single-parent homes. We have been living with the long-term consequences of this trend for a while now and it is apparent that we are suffering without men in families.

Adolescents raised in single-parent homes have higher rates of sexual activity, drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy, sexual and physical abuse, living in poverty, crime and incarceration.

Clearly, children need their fathers. Men play a significant role in the health and well-being of their families. Not just because they tend to be the protectors and providers, but because of the contributions their gender brings to the family dynamic.

Imagine what life would be like without the masculine qualities of God. What if God didn’t provide for us? What if He didn’t protect us? What if He didn’t think logically? What if He had no clear big-picture in mind? What if God lacked action?
How can we find that reality horrifying, yet believe it makes no difference to raise kids without their fathers?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Children need fathers, but the kind of fathers that love God, love their wives, and live for the good of their families. Wives need husbands who love them as God loves us; who seek strong partnerships with them. Society needs strong, godly men who don’t seek their own good, who don’t seek to win and glorify themselves, and who don’t strive for a position of authority.

God made no mistakes when He made men. God made them in His image. God infused them with aspects of His nature. God designed them to be in relationship with Him, to be one with their wives, and to be a positive influence over their children.

This Father’s Day, let us pause and reflect on how important it is to have our men. Let us honor the significance of fathers. Let us recognize that life is better when men and women come together in strong partnerships, uniting their strengths, and working in harmony. Society is failed when the pendulum swings men into the role of controlling, domineering overlords. And it is failed when the pendulum swings men into being insignificant, unnecessary, and inferior. We need the men that God designed man to be.

Let us honor our Heavenly Father by honoring His creation of earthly fathers. Not just for a day, but for every day.

Family

Mealtime at the Miller’s

I continue to be caught off guard when people ask how we’ve taken the battle out of eating with our kids after they have noticed how easy mealtime is at my house. So, I’ve decided to write this blog post about it.

Everything we do with our kids comes down to our basic values about parenting. Our overall goal is to raise our kids to be responsible, successful adults who know Jesus intimately.

Applying that to food then, we want them to know how to both enjoy food and to eat responsibly. We want them to have good manners. We want them to have a healthy relationship with food. And, we want them to appreciate food as a gift from the Lord and honor their bodies the way God made them.

Rule #1: Mama is no short-order cook

I make one complete meal, not special meals for each person sitting at the table. They are welcome to take what they want from what I serve. That means that I’m also mindful of everyone’s tastes and try to include something in the meal that I know the kids will eat. But, that doesn’t mean they are off the hook for the rest of the meal. They have to at least try everything that is served with a couple of bites.

My son has been so frequently surprised at how good “weird” things are to him, that recently he told my husband that to “try things is to like them”. I hope that continues to be true for him because one of my goals is to keep expanding his still-developing palate.

Beyond the requirement to taste everything on the plate, we do not require them to eat everything. This is not a “clean your plate” house. I want them to eat until they are satisfied, not until their plate is empty. Now, that means they must eat enough to tide themselves over to breakfast because there is no midnight snacking either. And dessert is always a surprise, not a guarantee. I don’t want them “earning” dessert by eating all of their dinner, although I may keep the surprise for another night if they haven’t eaten very much that night. They just don’t know about it.

Since one of my goals is to teach them how to eat responsibly, I verbalize my decisions about meal planning. I also explain to them why they can’t have another helping of a sugary snack. They understand that there are foods that taste good and are enjoyable for that factor, while there are other foods that are necessary because they make our bodies work correctly. And that it’s a blessing when you find a food that is both! It’s all about balance.

They have juice at breakfast and dinner and water everywhere in between. They get two snacks a day, one of them is fruit or veggies while the other is something a little more lenient in the nutrition area. That second snack could be crackers and cheese, or popcorn, or a handful of cookies, or one of those fruit snacks kids adore. I usually let them choose what they have for snack as long as the morning snack is healthy. (If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m big on offering choices. I’ll blog on that another time, though.)

Breakfast is a cereal of their choosing, although I retain veto rights over the nothing-but-sugar options. Lunchtime is usually a united effort, so they have some choice. Dinnertime, though, is mom’s domain.

As for the rest of our goals for our children’s eating habits, we have a couple of other mealtime rules. First, they must be respectful of their food. That means, no playing with their food. I know that other “experts” may disagree with me, but this fits into our value of teaching gratitude. Which fits into the next rule: we always say grace before eating to acknowledge that it is from God that we receive this food.

The last thing we do is set a time limit if the kids are messing around instead of eating. It goes something like this, “Dinner will be over in 10 minutes, so get what you need to hold you over until breakfast.” Then 10 minutes later, plates are swooped up and dinner is over. That doesn’t mean we rush our kids’ eating. By the time we do this, they have had plenty of time to eat their meal. At this point, they are just messing around. (This is usually where some jaws drop because to some people the thought that their child may go to bed a little hungry is astounding. Guess what? God made your kid’s bodies smarter than that, so they will not let themselves starve. Plus, one night of a grumbling tummy may be a worthwhile lesson.)

I hope that by doing all of this that we will succeed in our goals. I don’t know how it will work out in the long-run, but I do know that our children have good table manners, are grateful for their food, have a basic understanding of eating a balanced diet, don’t fight with us over what is being served, always try everything on their plate, and still eat instinctively**. And that is why people continue to notice how different mealtime is at the Miller’s.

**To learn what I mean about instinctive eating, visit www.amihungry.com.

Marriage

The Sigh Heard Round the World

Into the middle of a group of women lamenting their romantic failures walks Jerry Maguire ready to claim his woman. In this iconic scene of a humble and sincere declaration of love comes the infamous line, “You complete me.”

Women around the world let out a collective *sigh*.

That is what we think we want.

To have a man need us. To have him realize that we are his other half, that life would not be whole without you. You want to complete him.

A truly romantic, fantastical notion.

*sigh*

But not at all based in reality. And women truly don’t want it either. Not really.

We need to be needed. We strive to be important, significant, irreplaceable. But to complete someone? Really? You want to hitch your wagon to that half-developed star?

Lifelong relationships will only work between two full-people, not two half-people. These people complement one another. They don’t complete one another.

It was the whole point of another iconic romantic movie, “The Runaway Bride”. It’s what the whole deal with the eggs symbolized. Julia Roberts’ character was meandering through life as a half-person, taking up with different people hoping that they would complete her. It wasn’t until she met Richard Gere’s character that she was faced with the reality of her existence. She was so completely clueless as to who she was as an individual that she couldn’t even figure out how she liked her own eggs cooked.

Do you know how you like your eggs cooked?

Do you have your own set of values and opinions and experiences and emotional reactions firmly planted, making up who you are as an individual? Or are you a reed on the riverbank, bending whichever direction the wind takes you?

I know that it can be scary to look into yourself and ask “who am I?” But, it must be done. No one else can tell you what you think, what you feel, or who you are. You must decide what makes you, you.

Only when you are a complete person, in and of yourself, are you then ready to couple up with someone else. Preferably, another complete person because otherwise you’ll be spinning your proverbial wheels.

Throw out the dependence. Veto the co-dependence. Overrun the independence too. Instead, adopt an interdependence, in which you come together and allow the other person’s strengths to complement your weaknesses.

Find a way to *sigh* over the ways in which you are a match. Maybe one of you is level-headed while the other is passionate and headstrong. Maybe one of you is detail-oriented while the other keeps their eyes on the big picture. Maybe one of you is process-oriented while the other is people-oriented. Maybe one of you is a thinker while the other is a feeler.

The one caveat that I want to throw into this whole love-fest is that you will never, nor should you ever, find another person to fill the role that God is meant to have in your life. It is only God who can truly ‘complete’ you. He knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb. He has a plan for your life if you will let Him guide you, and these plans are much, much better than anything you have for yourself. He knows what makes you tick, what makes you smile, what makes you feel fulfilled and happy. It is with Him, and with Him only, that you should be dependent because He is the one who possesses your next breath, who holds the keys to the treasure of blessings waiting to be poured upon you, who carries in His hand every tear that you have ever wept, and who died to be your Savior.

I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of love that makes me truly and deeply *sigh*.

Family

I Brought You Into This World…

…and I can take you out of it.

How many times have you wanted to say that?

Especially in the face of Defiance. Deception. Disrespect. The three fastest roads to wanting to strangle your kids. Unfortunately, there is no way to totally obliterate the big D’s from our kids. We can only put seat belts, air bags, caution signs, and guard rails on our own behavior to prevent a complete parental meltdown when faced with them.

Let’s face it. Parental meltdowns solve nothing. We say and do things in the extreme. We change the focus from the kid’s bad choice to our mega-outburst. That only teaches kids to avoid setting their parents off, rather than the detriments of continuing in their behavior.

We want to keep the focus on the kid’s choices and the consequences of those choices. We want to provide a learning opportunity that sinks deeper than the epidermis. We want them to succeed in life, not in ducking our wrath.

So, what do we do? Well, time-outs work.

Oh, I mean time-outs for yourself, not your kids.

Seriously. You need to find a way to keep your cool. Losing it will only lose the teaching moment. When you face a situation that leads you down one of those roads to strangulation, put yourself in a time-out by telling your kids that something will be done about their behavior, but not now; you will talk to them later about it.

It’s that easy**.

**By easy, I mean an extreme challenge of your self-control.

Delaying consequences is a great seat belt on your behavior. Mama and Daddy time-outs are great air bags. Use them to give yourself time to breathe deep, re-engage your higher reasoning skills, call in reinforcements for additional opinions about addressing the issue, and to regain your rational, calm self.

Next, watch for your caution signs. One of the caution signs that I have worked to ingrain into my psyche is the question, “Do I want to make him feel bad or do I want to help him succeed?” What would your caution sign to yourself say? What hits home for you? Figure it out and then drill it in. Write it down everywhere. Say it to yourself multiple times a day. Make it your new parenting mantra. Think about it in good times, in irritating times, and in lose-it times. Put one of those blinking yellow lights on the top of it.

After that, you need to locate your guard rails. What will keep you on the straight and narrow? Maybe it’s your spouse. Maybe it’s your mother. Maybe it’s your best friend. Maybe it’s prayer. Who can hold you accountable? Who do you answer to? That is your guard rail. Respect it. Use it. It will help you stay on track to being a more effective parent.

Resolve now to no longer lose it with your kids.

Resolve now what your new response will be to the big D’s.

Resolve now to put on your seat belt, engage your air bags, watch for your caution signs, and respect your guard rails.

You can’t obliterate defiance, deception, and disrespect, but you can go after them with a much more effective game plan than parental meltdowns.

Marriage

Intimacy Isn’t Just Sex

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word ‘Intimacy’?

For most people, they would say that sex is what comes to mind. Perhaps affection is in there too, but the problem is how this word has been hijacked from its actual meaning and purpose. I’m not saying that sex isn’t intimate, but without the other aspects of intimacy, how intimate can it really be? How personal, private, and affectionate can a merely physical act really be?

True intimacy is a multi-faceted experience much like a cherished gemstone. They are all connected and depending upon which side of the prism you choose to look through, you will see a different dimension of the whole thing. Everyone seems to have their favorite facet to experience intimacy through, but one can become blind to the other facets if it isn’t observed from all angles at least some of the time. And doesn’t conflict and discord usually come when two people are looking at the same situation from different sides of it? In order to achieve real intimacy with your spouse, take time to peer through each side to make sure that the entire gem is being nurtured.

Facet #1 – Thoughts

Many of us spend way too much time in our own heads. We allow our own interpretation of events and our own self-talk define our reality. We have opinions, beliefs, and values that are extremely important to us. It was Rene Descartes that said “I think therefore I am.” In at least one way he is correct – how we think shapes who we perceive ourselves to be. What I mean is that the role I assign myself in my life story affects whether I am a hero or a victim, whether it is a comedy or tragedy or romance, and whether I spend it happily ever after or pining for what I never accomplished. Opening up your mind by sharing your deepest and most meaningful thoughts with the person who you trust the most, will bring about a depth of knowledge and understanding that supports a strong intimate connection with that person.

Facet #2 – Feelings

One of my favorite sayings came from Emerson Eggerichs: “Your feelings are not the voice of God.” There are plenty of times I have to remind myself of that fact. Our emotional experience, our visceral experience is mega-powerful in how we relate to the world and to other people. This is why way too many of us believe that love is an emotion. We experience all the wonderful feelings that can spring from love (like passion, peace, joy, lust, contentment, gratitude, etc.) and mistake it for love itself. We expect them to be maintained as long as we continue to be with the person we love. That just isn’t true. Love is an action and emotions fade if they aren’t nurtured. Delving into the depths of your emotional experience and actively, intentionally tending to your feelings will enrich your intimate life.

Facet #3 – Social

The people that we devote our time and energy to are the ones that we are the closest to. You cannot have a strong connection with someone that you do not spend time with. And this is one thing that you cannot skate by on the whole ‘quality over quantity’ bologna. Investing your most valuable currency – the finite minutes and seconds of your life here on earth – into your marriage will be significant to determining how strong that relationship is, how devoted you are to each other, and how satisfying you find your marriage to be.

Facet #4 – Spiritual

According to one major research study, praying together as a couple was the strongest indicator for predicting long-term satisfaction in the marriage. Couples who prayed together were 50% more likely to describe their marriage as being romantic. And, couples who pray together on a regular basis have a divorce rate of only 1%. We are spiritual beings that need to be connected to our Heavenly Father, but we are also designed to be connected in a soul-deep way to our spouse. If you want to truly become one, to truly become intimate with him/her, then pray together, worship together, and make Christ the center of your marriage.

Facet #5 – Physical

Notice I said physical and not sexual. That was intentional. Have you ever heard that men are like microwaves and women are like slow-cookers? There is a lot of truth to it. For most women, desire does not precede arousal. Basically, she doesn’t want to be doing it until she’s doing it. That is the benefit of affection. Not affection just for the sole purpose of getting the juices flowing, but for the purpose of staying connected even in simple ways all of the time. (Plus, it definitely helps with the whole arousal thing.) Non-sexual touches, genuine affection, sexual encounters, and snuggling afterward are all major and important pieces to this facet of intimacy. It is a powerful and amazing way to connect with your spouse, but as you have seen it isn’t the end-all, be-all of intimacy.

So, don’t get too caught up at observing your connection to your spouse through only your favorite facet, because they all touch and they all reflect off of each other. If you only shine one side of a gem and allow the other sides to erode away, how well maintained will it be? The same goes for your marital intimacy. Take a moment to assess where your relationship is in relation to each facet. Turn it around in your mind’s eye and inspect how well or poor each facet has been maintained. And then work on it. Because this is one kind of work that will pay off big time, resulting in a deep and satisfyingly intimate connection to your other half.

Faith

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

The revolution about which I speak, the revolution about which I advocate, and the revolution in which I live deeply entrenched was started by a carpenter, turned rabbi, charged criminal from Nazareth from a couple millennium ago. His life, his death, his resurrection changed everything. Utterly. Completely. Without equal.

And that change is still reverberating through history. It is still calling us to choose sides. Will we side with the man that died on the cross and then rose again after 3 days in the tomb? Or will we side with those that rejected him, humiliated him, and crucified him? To quote Joshua 24:15, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” We have chosen our side. We are deeply committed to Jesus.

Everything that Jesus did was revolutionary. God come to Earth in the form of a baby – revolutionary. God living the life of a carpenter in Nazareth, a podunk town from back in the day – revolutionary. A Jew from Galilee teaching with authority, going among tax collectors (aka traitors) and prostitutes, speaking to Samaritan women who have been outcast by her own people, touching lepers, and performing miracles – revolutionary. God allowing himself to be falsely accused, mocked and ridiculed, tortured and abused, sacrificed and killed for the very people perpetrating these vile acts against him – revolutionary. A dead man rising back to life after 3 days proving true every crazy thing he ever said and fulfilling a mind-boggling amount of prophesy before rising up to heaven fully corporeal – revolutionary. God giving his Spirit to live inside and thereby transform those that choose him – revolutionary.

And this revolution was passed on to us – his people, his followers, his believers. We are to follow his example and live by his Spirit. We are to be transformed in our being and our doing. Our faith is revolutionary because we have God living in us. We have a direct connection to our God. Abiding in Christ and living by the Spirit changes everything. It changes how we do marriage. It changes how we raise our kids. It rearranges our priorities and then molds our lives around those priorities. It gives us a different calling and way of living than the rest of the world. That’s what makes it a revolution. It turns everything on its head.

So, now’s the time that you must make your choice. Are you with us or against us? There is no middle ground in this revolution. The two worlds are incompatible. The revolutionary puts others before himself. The revolutionary loves his enemies. The revolutionary gains strength through humility. The revolutionary finds power by surrendering everything to God’s will. The revolutionary seeks rewards that are eternal and often unseen to humanity. The revolutionary has a forever mindset in his faith, in his marriage, and in his parenting.

Sounds crazy, I know. But so did Jesus. It’s why he was crucified by his own people. You may very well be crucified by your own people too; branded a crazy person for joining this revolution. It’s not an easy road. But it’s worth it. This revolution is worth everything – the very price that was paid to start it. The door is open now. The cover charge has been paid. Are you ready to walk through it? Are you ready to join the revolution?