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Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Heat – the August eNewsletter

I live in Arizona in what is affectionately called the Valley of the Sun. In the middle of August, it actually does seem like the sun itself has come to sit right down inside our little valley. Sometimes it can be too hot to even go swimming because the sun has warmed up the water in the pool to an uncomfortable degree. When it hits 118˚, you run from your car to inside your house as fast as possible for fear of the soles of your shoes melting to the pavement. Well, maybe it’s not that bad, but I do still make a mad dash for the air conditioned house because the heat is so oppressive, so exhausting, so debilitating.

No one likes to be sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August…

 

FAITH

…but sometimes, that is exactly where God meets you. In the dead center of the oppressive heat.

Heat is an interesting thing. It warms us when we are cold. It cooks our food. It sterilizes our water. Those are all good things. But, heat can also make you hot – unbearably hot. It can burn your food and dry up your water.

The right amount of heat seems like a blessing. Too much heat seems like a curse. Perhaps that is true when we are talking about the physical body. But, don’t be so quick to judge when God turns up the heat on your spirit. There are times when God allows us to get unbearably hot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There are times when God allows our metaphorical food and water to be dried up. He wants us sitting in the middle of the Valley of the Sun in August.

Why?

Because sometimes things need to be burned down to ash before a new thing can spring up. Forestry people know that small forest fires are necessary to maintain the health of the overall forest. The trees that have been growing for a long time develop a canopy of branches and leaves that block the sun from reaching the forest floor. With little sun light, not many plants can survive there, leaving hardly any new growth. There are even some plants with seeds that will only germinate after a hot fire and will then use nutrients from the fire to begin to grow.

If you find yourself in the midst of unbearable spiritual heat, look around and find those things that have been growing for so long that they are preventing any new growth. Allow God to clear out the old things to create something new, perhaps even something that needs this heat to take root and to grow.

Jesus began His ministry by reading a passage of Scripture from Isaiah 61 and declaring it fulfilled by His presence and the work that He had come to do. One of the things that He proclaimed is that He had come to give His people beauty for their ashes. But first there needs to be ashes from which the beauty can come. What is it in your life that needs to face the oppressive heat of August?

 

MARRIAGE

“Those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” – 1 Corinthians 7:28, NIV

Nobody ever reads those words in a wedding ceremony yet they are the reality of married life. We will face many troubles in life and in marriage. Things will go wrong. Times will get hard. The heat of passion will, at times, become a heat of oppression. Heat is inevitable because your spouse is married to a sinner. And you must have some empathy for that because you are married to one too.

Bring two sinners together for a lifetime and things are bound to heat up. And when things heat up, tempers usually flare. In those times, it is essential that you take a look at what is fueling your temper. Did you set up expectations somewhere along the way that have yet to be fulfilled and have now turned into something your spouse owes you? Do you sense some sort of injustice taking place in your relationship? Have you experienced some sort of loss, whether it is real or perceived (e.g. respect, power, identity, security, affection, trust)? Maybe you haven’t lost it yet, but it is being threatened or endangered.

Anger is always fueled by an unpaid emotional debt, injustice, some sort of loss, or fear of a loss. Always. One or more of those things. Without fail. Meaning, take another look at that list instead of blowing off this part of what I’m saying to you.

You cannot solve anger in anger because the problem lies behind it. You have to solve the problem at the problem. When the heat rises and becomes unbearable, look for what lies behind your contribution to this potentially combustible situation.

 

FAMILY

If Paul thought that those who marry will face many troubles in this life, then he had no clue how compounded that statement would be for those who have children. Take a situation that already has two sinners in it and add more to it. It’s like adding fresh kindling to already glowing embers. Little fires pop up all the time. There isn’t a day that goes by without my two little boys getting into some sort of a roe with each other. And there are plenty of days where parenting my children creates some heat under my collar.

What I have come to realize is that it never does any good for me to lose my cool with my kids. My agitation makes my kids more agitated. They bicker even more and are in worse moods when I project negative emotions. Not only does my anger distract them away from the real issue, but it’s like I am adding lighter fluid to their already heated exchange. Everyone remains in a bad mood and the negative energy just seems to simmer before boiling over again.

So, how do we parents remain cool in the midst of the oppressive family heat? Step 1 is to take deep breaths. They are calming. They add oxygen to our brains which will help us remain clear-headed.

Step 2 is to talk to yourself. I recommend doing this part quietly in your head, but it’s up to you. What should you say to yourself? Whatever you find calming, centering, or encouraging. I like to say things like, “Smother the fire,” “Give them a good example,” “Be the adult,” or “Lord Jesus, please calm me down before I go and take this child that I brought into the world out of it.”

Step 3 is to assess yourself and the situation and do the best thing possible at that moment. If you are calm enough to address the issue, then go ahead and do it. If your children are too worked up to hear you, separate them until they calm down. If you are too worked up to do anything other than contribute to the heat, separate your children as a temporary reprieve while you go and calm down. If this is a recurring issue that you have already talked about with your children, then separate your children until you have had time to decide upon a course of action (aka think of something better than what you have already tried with them).

Step 4 is to plan a time, preferably in the very near future, when everyone involved in this negative exchange can enjoy each other. You have to replace the debit that this negativity had upon the family’s overall atmosphere. Maybe you make cookies together after dinner or go rent a movie that everyone can watch or head to the park for a bit of outdoor fun.

That’s it. Breathe. Talk to yourself. Do the best thing you can in the moment. Plan some fun.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think I can get an “Amen” when I say that nobody likes going through the Refiner’s fire. It is uncomfortable. It is oppressive. It downright sucks. But we are always better for it. We appreciate its effect. We revel in the closeness that we feel with God that only comes on the other side of the fire.

I may be literally sitting in the Valley of the Sun in August as I type this letter to you, but we all find ourselves there emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally at one time or another. Perhaps you find yourself there now. Find comfort in the knowledge that God has not forsaken you. God is not punishing you. God is using this time to refine you, to purify you, to make you holy because He is holy.

Zechariah 13:9 says, “I will put [them] into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”

When silver is refined, the Refiner places the silver into the center of the fire where it is the hottest in order to burn away all impurities. He has to sit in front of the fire with His eyes on the silver the entire time because if the silver is left in the fire for even a moment too long, it would be destroyed. He watches the silver because He knows that it has been refined only when He can see His image reflected in it.

In ancient times, in order to test for the purity of gold, it had to be heated. If it retains its color when heated, then it is pure. If it pales, roughens and hardens, or softens and blackens, then it contains impurities.

We will face many troubles in this life, whether married or not, whether parents or not. And it is in these heated troubles, that God refines us like silver and tests us like gold. He burns away the impurities and looks for His reflection. He heats us up and looks for our reaction to see how pure we have become.

May the heat that you next face be a revolutionary heat that purifies you and draws you closer to Jesus.

Faith, Family, Marriage

Revolutionary Man – the June eNewsletter

It is terrible to watch societal trends swing from one extreme to the other like a big pendulum. We moved from total frigidity in the Victorian era to total liberality in our modern era. We went from women having no rights to a brand of feminism that many have taken to the militant degree.

For this newsletter, I want to focus upon the pendulum that has swung in regard to men. Men used to hold all the power and authority. They were the only ones counted as people in a census. They had the money and the property. They made all the decisions for society. We actually still see this attitude in some cultures around the world today.

I will be the first one to stand up and cheer that this particular brand of masculinity is not the norm in America anymore. But, I will also be the first one to stand up for men against the male-bashing that the feminists have acquired as their favorite pastime. Just watch any sitcom and the father is the butt of all the jokes. The mother is the strong one while the father is the schmuck. The wife is the smart one while the husband is the fool.

I believe that God did not intend for either gender to be regarded in a negative or lowly way. Neither gender is superior or meant to rule over the other. Men and women were designed in tandem, to come together as a strong partnership, both equally made in God’s image and infused with natural talents and spiritual gifts.

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to honor the man that God created men to be.

FAITH
I have heard the arguments that place great significance on the fact that God created man before woman. I have also heard the theory that Adam had no gender until God created Eve because the word adama is the generic term for humanity, not the term for the male gender. I don’t know that I have been persuaded to a particular argument, but the fact that both claims can be made shows that we are applying human wisdom and reasoning to God’s design. Which means we have it wrong no matter what we argue.

There is no argument, however, that God made male and female people just like He made male and female animals and plant-life. His design is for the two elements to come together; to partner for God’s larger plan. Each gender has a part and each gender is to do their part to the glory of God, for the benefit of their partner, and for the greater good of their community.

I believe each gender embodies unique aspects of God’s nature. God is described as both Father and Mother in the Old Testament. He is ascribed both masculine and feminine characteristics. When man and woman come together, they are bringing into union the aspects of God’s nature that they each uniquely reflect.

When that union is centered on Christ, then actual oneness is achieved. He is the bond the keeps the two together. He makes it possible for the two parts to become a beautiful whole. You honor God when you honor man. You honor God when you honor woman. You honor God when you honor His design for bringing them together in harmony and union. Not just in a marriage way, but in a family and community.

MARRIAGE
Marriage brings together a man and woman and makes them one, so that they are no longer two separate entities with separate goals and separate futures. They have become one, a strong partnership intended for life.

Outside of marriage, men and women still work best together because they bring balance. They see the world differently. They experience life differently. When the genders work together, God’s creation is honored and blessed. When the balance is disturbed, we find oppression, injustice, and even abuse.

I want to highlight a few of the male qualities of this union. I am speaking in generalities, so all men will find themselves somewhere between weakly possessing these qualities and strongly possessing them. The point is to celebrate the way that God made men overall.

Generally speaking, men possess an innate desire to protect and provide for their family. In Genesis 2, it says that God put the man in the Garden to work it. The woman is to help, but the onus of the job rests on the man. All cultures since creation have reflected this quality in men. Anthropology, sociology, and psychology all support that there is a difference between the genders when it comes to working, providing, and protecting – and clearly it is one of God’s strongest qualities too.

Men are more left-brained, meaning they are more logical and systematic in their thinking. Numbers, space, distance, time, and speed are easier for them to understand and to calculate. They are generally less emotionally-driven in decision-making. In fact, most men are capable of bypassing the emotional center of their amygdale so they can focus on the task at hand and not allow emotions to overwhelm what needs to be done. Additionally, they tend to be more action-oriented and competitive. This is why men tend to be soldiers, engineers, construction workers, lawyers and doctors (especially surgeons).

God made men with these natural abilities, tendencies, and talents to complement and work in conjunction with the way He created women. These are wonderfully masculine qualities, without which our world would suffer.

FAMILY
It is obvious that one of the biggest problems in American culture is the lack of fathers. When divorce rates and out-of-wedlock births skyrocketed, so did single-parent homes. We have been living with the long-term consequences of this trend for a while now and it is apparent that we are suffering without men in families.

Adolescents raised in single-parent homes have higher rates of sexual activity, drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy, sexual and physical abuse, living in poverty, crime and incarceration.

Clearly, children need their fathers. Men play a significant role in the health and well-being of their families. Not just because they tend to be the protectors and providers, but because of the contributions their gender brings to the family dynamic.

Imagine what life would be like without the masculine qualities of God. What if God didn’t provide for us? What if He didn’t protect us? What if He didn’t think logically? What if He had no clear big-picture in mind? What if God lacked action?
How can we find that reality horrifying, yet believe it makes no difference to raise kids without their fathers?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Children need fathers, but the kind of fathers that love God, love their wives, and live for the good of their families. Wives need husbands who love them as God loves us; who seek strong partnerships with them. Society needs strong, godly men who don’t seek their own good, who don’t seek to win and glorify themselves, and who don’t strive for a position of authority.

God made no mistakes when He made men. God made them in His image. God infused them with aspects of His nature. God designed them to be in relationship with Him, to be one with their wives, and to be a positive influence over their children.

This Father’s Day, let us pause and reflect on how important it is to have our men. Let us honor the significance of fathers. Let us recognize that life is better when men and women come together in strong partnerships, uniting their strengths, and working in harmony. Society is failed when the pendulum swings men into the role of controlling, domineering overlords. And it is failed when the pendulum swings men into being insignificant, unnecessary, and inferior. We need the men that God designed man to be.

Let us honor our Heavenly Father by honoring His creation of earthly fathers. Not just for a day, but for every day.

Family, General

Never Say Never

One of my biggest pet peeves is absolute statements.

No human being that has ever lived has been absolute in anything. There is always an exception, a slip-up, a blunder, a good intention that fell short of achieving its goal.

Absolute statements lead to frustration, discouragement, or guilt.

So, beware of most self-help books. Even Christian ones. Because they will inevitably have absolute statements for you as an individual, a spouse, a parent, or whatever other topic it includes.

That doesn’t mean that you have to stop reading them. It just means that you have to learn how to take an expert’s opinion (even mine) and humanize it, personalize it, or generalize it.

Take parenting for example.

I don’t think it’s possible to fathom the number of books that talk about the importance of consistency.

We have all heard about being a consistent parent, right? So, let’s humanize this principle.

How are you at being consistent?

In anything?

No one can be 100 percent consistent. All we can do is hope to increase our consistency; to follow-through a lot more often than not. We can hope for damage-control when we mess up or fall short. We can hope to be described, at the end of the day, as a parent that did well by their children through their words and actions.

So, if we can’t be constantly consistent, then what can we be? The answer is – you can be more self-aware. In my opinion, self-awareness is a lot more important than consistency, as well as the key to it. Are you aware of what you are doing? And, why you are doing it? Can you pause before you act in order to choose your response?

Increasing your self-awareness will lead to the ability to be consistent, responsible, in-control, calm, and all of those other ideal parenting traits.

That means that it’s a good thing that developing self-awareness has no absolutes associated with it. It is a lifelong journey that ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. Increasing your awareness all depends upon how much energy you allot to it – what level of priority you attribute to it.

In order to move it up the priority meter and find the motivation to allot more energy to the process, to trudge through when you hit plateaus or forget why you even care about becoming more self-aware, it must have a pay-off.

Pay-off means, ‘what’s in it for you?’

I know this sounds selfish and no one wants to admit that the only things they are willing to exert any sort of prolonged energy toward are things that have something in it for them, but it’s the truth. A tough truth, but a human-nature truth. You will not do anything for an extended period of time or that takes a lot of energy or any other resource unless there’s a pay-off.

So, what is the pay-off for raising your self-awareness?

Only you can answer that.

And, seriously – answer it.

Write down the strongest reasons that will compel you to keep working at it. Then, whenever you hit an ebbing moment, whenever the energy or priority you allotted to it has begun to wane, pull out that list and renew your commitment.

Once you have this list, pick an area or two of your life where you will intentionally slow down and turn on your inner-documentarian.

Back to our parenting example – start noting what happens when you interact with your kids. What is triggered inside of you, both feelings and pulls to act, when your kids do various things? Start digging into what you discover. Figure out what you are doing and why you are doing it.

It is a lot harder to change if you don’t know what you do and why you do it. Self-awareness will put you in greater control of yourself; will give you a choice.

And choice is what we all truly want. Perhaps that is why absolutes don’t work on us – they take away choice. So, forget about always being consistent and strive to become more consistent. Increasing your self-awareness and finding the pay-off will help you do that.

Family

Mealtime at the Miller’s

I continue to be caught off guard when people ask how we’ve taken the battle out of eating with our kids after they have noticed how easy mealtime is at my house. So, I’ve decided to write this blog post about it.

Everything we do with our kids comes down to our basic values about parenting. Our overall goal is to raise our kids to be responsible, successful adults who know Jesus intimately.

Applying that to food then, we want them to know how to both enjoy food and to eat responsibly. We want them to have good manners. We want them to have a healthy relationship with food. And, we want them to appreciate food as a gift from the Lord and honor their bodies the way God made them.

Rule #1: Mama is no short-order cook

I make one complete meal, not special meals for each person sitting at the table. They are welcome to take what they want from what I serve. That means that I’m also mindful of everyone’s tastes and try to include something in the meal that I know the kids will eat. But, that doesn’t mean they are off the hook for the rest of the meal. They have to at least try everything that is served with a couple of bites.

My son has been so frequently surprised at how good “weird” things are to him, that recently he told my husband that to “try things is to like them”. I hope that continues to be true for him because one of my goals is to keep expanding his still-developing palate.

Beyond the requirement to taste everything on the plate, we do not require them to eat everything. This is not a “clean your plate” house. I want them to eat until they are satisfied, not until their plate is empty. Now, that means they must eat enough to tide themselves over to breakfast because there is no midnight snacking either. And dessert is always a surprise, not a guarantee. I don’t want them “earning” dessert by eating all of their dinner, although I may keep the surprise for another night if they haven’t eaten very much that night. They just don’t know about it.

Since one of my goals is to teach them how to eat responsibly, I verbalize my decisions about meal planning. I also explain to them why they can’t have another helping of a sugary snack. They understand that there are foods that taste good and are enjoyable for that factor, while there are other foods that are necessary because they make our bodies work correctly. And that it’s a blessing when you find a food that is both! It’s all about balance.

They have juice at breakfast and dinner and water everywhere in between. They get two snacks a day, one of them is fruit or veggies while the other is something a little more lenient in the nutrition area. That second snack could be crackers and cheese, or popcorn, or a handful of cookies, or one of those fruit snacks kids adore. I usually let them choose what they have for snack as long as the morning snack is healthy. (If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m big on offering choices. I’ll blog on that another time, though.)

Breakfast is a cereal of their choosing, although I retain veto rights over the nothing-but-sugar options. Lunchtime is usually a united effort, so they have some choice. Dinnertime, though, is mom’s domain.

As for the rest of our goals for our children’s eating habits, we have a couple of other mealtime rules. First, they must be respectful of their food. That means, no playing with their food. I know that other “experts” may disagree with me, but this fits into our value of teaching gratitude. Which fits into the next rule: we always say grace before eating to acknowledge that it is from God that we receive this food.

The last thing we do is set a time limit if the kids are messing around instead of eating. It goes something like this, “Dinner will be over in 10 minutes, so get what you need to hold you over until breakfast.” Then 10 minutes later, plates are swooped up and dinner is over. That doesn’t mean we rush our kids’ eating. By the time we do this, they have had plenty of time to eat their meal. At this point, they are just messing around. (This is usually where some jaws drop because to some people the thought that their child may go to bed a little hungry is astounding. Guess what? God made your kid’s bodies smarter than that, so they will not let themselves starve. Plus, one night of a grumbling tummy may be a worthwhile lesson.)

I hope that by doing all of this that we will succeed in our goals. I don’t know how it will work out in the long-run, but I do know that our children have good table manners, are grateful for their food, have a basic understanding of eating a balanced diet, don’t fight with us over what is being served, always try everything on their plate, and still eat instinctively**. And that is why people continue to notice how different mealtime is at the Miller’s.

**To learn what I mean about instinctive eating, visit www.amihungry.com.

Family

Hot Button Issues

I find it hardest to be a good parent in the face of my children pushing my “buttons”.

It’s like a heat-seeking missile that targets my biggest annoyances and makes full impact, totally exploding them. My children each carry around a box with a big red button on it, pushing it at random and sometimes totally insane moments.

We are on the verge of leaving for a beach vacation and my boys are running through the house screaming (I swear they pierce the innermost workings of my ears). We are driving to the movie theater to see the very film they have been begging to see and they start bickering in the backseat. In the middle of things that they enjoy, things they desire, things that are meant for their benefit, they start detonating bombs and pressing buttons left and right. It doesn’t make sense, right?

I haven’t found the answer to this problem. I haven’t come across the magic solution in any of my studies or experiences. Most of the time I just try to bite my tongue and take deep breaths. If I can, I put either them or myself in a time-out.

I try to remember that my goal is to teach my kids how to be considerate, respectful, responsible, and honest. It’s not about me. It shouldn’t be about my buttons. I don’t want my children to merely learn how to manipulate mom.

Right now, I’m trying to work on some sort of mantra that I can chant in times where it feels like my blood is boiling beneath my skin. It really does help to have some handy phrase to repeat inside your head to direct yourself. It counters all the junk thoughts that pop up without permission, all the knee-jerk reactions that attempt to dominate the situation.

At the same time that I work on keeping calm, I also work on de-sensitizing my buttons. I do some digging around inside my noggin to see why it is that these particular issues mean so much to me. Is there some rule in my head that my kids are violating? Maybe I need to rewrite the rule. Is there some unresolved stuff floating around inside me that my kids are triggering? Maybe I need to search out those issues and deal with them without involving my kids.

My focus needs to stay on parenting for my kids’ sake, not my own. The goals that I want to teach my kids are priorities, but they need to remain teaching priorities rather than hot buttons.

So, here’s one blog post that doesn’t have a solution worked out for you. But, that’s life. We are all working on being the best that we can be, where we are at, in this particular moment. I’ll let you know if I ever find that magic solution to either getting your kids to leave your buttons alone or to throwing out the buttons altogether.

Family

I Brought You Into This World…

…and I can take you out of it.

How many times have you wanted to say that?

Especially in the face of Defiance. Deception. Disrespect. The three fastest roads to wanting to strangle your kids. Unfortunately, there is no way to totally obliterate the big D’s from our kids. We can only put seat belts, air bags, caution signs, and guard rails on our own behavior to prevent a complete parental meltdown when faced with them.

Let’s face it. Parental meltdowns solve nothing. We say and do things in the extreme. We change the focus from the kid’s bad choice to our mega-outburst. That only teaches kids to avoid setting their parents off, rather than the detriments of continuing in their behavior.

We want to keep the focus on the kid’s choices and the consequences of those choices. We want to provide a learning opportunity that sinks deeper than the epidermis. We want them to succeed in life, not in ducking our wrath.

So, what do we do? Well, time-outs work.

Oh, I mean time-outs for yourself, not your kids.

Seriously. You need to find a way to keep your cool. Losing it will only lose the teaching moment. When you face a situation that leads you down one of those roads to strangulation, put yourself in a time-out by telling your kids that something will be done about their behavior, but not now; you will talk to them later about it.

It’s that easy**.

**By easy, I mean an extreme challenge of your self-control.

Delaying consequences is a great seat belt on your behavior. Mama and Daddy time-outs are great air bags. Use them to give yourself time to breathe deep, re-engage your higher reasoning skills, call in reinforcements for additional opinions about addressing the issue, and to regain your rational, calm self.

Next, watch for your caution signs. One of the caution signs that I have worked to ingrain into my psyche is the question, “Do I want to make him feel bad or do I want to help him succeed?” What would your caution sign to yourself say? What hits home for you? Figure it out and then drill it in. Write it down everywhere. Say it to yourself multiple times a day. Make it your new parenting mantra. Think about it in good times, in irritating times, and in lose-it times. Put one of those blinking yellow lights on the top of it.

After that, you need to locate your guard rails. What will keep you on the straight and narrow? Maybe it’s your spouse. Maybe it’s your mother. Maybe it’s your best friend. Maybe it’s prayer. Who can hold you accountable? Who do you answer to? That is your guard rail. Respect it. Use it. It will help you stay on track to being a more effective parent.

Resolve now to no longer lose it with your kids.

Resolve now what your new response will be to the big D’s.

Resolve now to put on your seat belt, engage your air bags, watch for your caution signs, and respect your guard rails.

You can’t obliterate defiance, deception, and disrespect, but you can go after them with a much more effective game plan than parental meltdowns.

Family

Journey to the Center of a Child’s Mind

One of my favorite pasttimes is watching my kids interact with their environment. It is fascinating to see what draws their attention, what furrows their brow, what brings forth a smile or a chuckle, what causes their bottom lip to pucker up. It’s hard to imagine how a small child’s mind processes and interprets all the stimuli they experience every day.

But, that’s just the enjoyable side of my musings. I often have the same sentiment in response to their negative behavior. I see the toothpaste that my son dispensed all over his room and wonder, ‘What was he thinking?’ I witness my two-year old kicking sand in a little girl’s eyes and cannot figure out why that seemed like a thing to do.

While some of these things bring a smile to my face, other things bring a snarl. I see what they are doing and interpret it in my adult mind and pass judgment as to whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. If I don’t understand and cannot relate to what they are doing, then I end up assigning it a ridiculous score. This score is expressed in the volume and tone of my voice. If it is mildly ridiculous, like my son’s rearrangement of my cooking utensils, then he receives a low volume, annoyed tone. If it is highly ridiculous, like my other son’s decision to crawl through the doggie door to the garage and then open the garage door, then he receives a high volume, irate tone. Unfortunately, this system isn’t very effective in actually teaching my children anything about decision-making and responsibility; just in achieving various scores on mommy’s ridiculous meter.

I know this doesn’t work. But to do anything differently, I need to start with how I interpret my children’s behavior. Taking a moment and realizing the disservice that I am doing to my children by jumping to conclusions and then being confident in my knee-jerk assessment is earth-shaking. It dissipates my anger and makes me wonder how else I could react to the things my children do.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I will never find toothpaste in my carpet something to smile about. Nor will I chuckle as my son kicks sand in a poor girl’s eyes. But perhaps I don’t need to lose my cool either. Perhaps I don’t need to assume that because I wouldn’t do it and I would prefer they not do it, that my children share in my adult reasoning. Perhaps I can regard them as the children they are and with the child brains they have.

From this space, I can remain calm. From this understanding, I can find common ground. From this perspective, I can find empathy. And empathy makes all the difference in whether my parenting is authoritative or authoritarian. Many of us had the authoritarian parent, maybe you referred to them as a bully, a dictator, or just a mean ol’ jerk, but you know this kind of parent. This parent jumps to conclusions, won’t listen to your point of view, believes their way is the right way no matter what, and expects you to jump when told to jump (don’t even consider asking how high because questioning is disrespectful). And it leads to a child’s rebellion. Whether it be overt or covert, rebellion is still rebellion. It is defiance and resistance and rejection of all that the other person says and does.

I don’ t want that for my child. I don’t want to be that type of parent. So, what to do? Swing to the middle of the parenting styles and aim for authoritative. It is balancing having a relationship with my child and having boundaries, rules and discipline. It is being a loving authority figure. It is following in the parenting footsteps of our own Heavenly Father. If I can tap into the empathy, I may be able to understand somewhat where my child is coming from, how that way might be errant, and how I can influence my child’s reasoning and behavior rather than just shutting them down in a judgmental or angry fashion.

So, instead of losing it when I find the toothpaste art, I can see how a 4-year old might find it fun to use this blue gel as finger paint to add color to his room, and from this place do some teaching on the drawbacks of this activity, some appropriate alternatives, and on how to clean up toothpaste from multiple surface types. All are valuable life skills that I would have short-circuited with my knee-jerk, top-of-my-lungs, snarly-faced, “What were you thinking?!” My goal now is to take a trip through a child’s mind and see how my adult mind can coach it into the reasoning skills that he will need to be a successful adult himself.

Faith, Family

Finding the Real Sunday School

My husband and I used to teach Sunday School to 3 year olds. We really enjoyed getting to know the kids and playing with them each Sunday morning. However, I quickly realized that for the vast majority of them, I was their only source of Bible teaching. I would ask the kids who Jesus was and only one or two would be able to say anything about him. I spoke with other volunteers who taught other grades and it was a consensus that the vast majority of kids coming to our church on Sunday mornings were only hearing about God and Jesus while they were at church. This shocked me because I considered some of the parents of these kids to be really strong Christians and even leaders within our church.

What I came to realize is that although these parents have a relationship with Christ, they felt completely inadequate to pass any of that onto their kids. They brought their kids to church so that the Bible teachers and pastors could distill a faith in Jesus to their children. I believe it is part of the institutionalization that has been taking place for the past few generations. If your kids are sick, take them to the doctor. If your kids need to learn how to read and write, take them to school. If your kids need to learn about Jesus, take them to church. The problem with this thinking is that it is ultimately the least efficient method for caring for the needs of our children.

Our kids are most influenced by us, their parents. It is our calling and our responsibility as stewards of these young souls to bring them up to be Jesus-loving, responsible adults. We can’t shuck that responsibility onto institutions, no matter how prestigious they may seem to be. These resources are there to support our work as parents, not circumvent it. We need to pick up the mantle that we accepted when we brought our children into the world. We need to be responsible for their overall well-being: mind, heart, body, soul.

Besides, if we are truly Christians, meaning Christ-followers, shouldn’t our faith permeate everything in our lives, including our parenting? More is caught than is taught when it comes to just about everything, so our kids will learn more about who Jesus is and how to have a relationship with Him by observing us in our prayers, Bible reading, meditation, worship, praise, service, and so on and so forth. If the only Jesus that your child gets is the one hour a week in church (and that’s if you go every week), then that is the funkiest hour of their week. We do not want Jesus to be the funky hour of their week. We want the Jesus-less hours to be the funky hours of their week.

To get down to brass tacks, how confident are you in the efficacy of anything that only has exposure 1/168 of the time? Add to that the fact that they are being taught by strangers or people they hardly know. The strength of that influence dwindles even more. God made you the parent. God entrusted you with the young soul that is in your care. He has asked you to bring your child up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4). Just imagine the faith that your child could develop if their life was immersed in Jesus and modeled after the most influential person in their life – you.