Tag Archives: relationships

Faith

Empathetic Joy

Romans 12:15 tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

That makes me wonder how many of us can genuinely celebrate when others succeed? Are we truly able to join in their joy? Or, do we feel envy or indifference instead?

I think rejoicing when others rejoice sounds easier to do than it really is. There are so many things that we allow to interfere with authentically connecting with others like that.

One thing that interferes is how we see people. Do we really see them as people or do we see them as objects? More often than we would probably like to admit, people become vehicles to get us what we want, obstacles that sit in our way, or they are totally irrelevant to us. So, when the vehicle succeeds, we are selfishly happy because it helps us in some way. If the obstacle succeeds, then we are agitated or annoyed because it will only reinforce their obstacle-ness. If they are irrelevant, then we are indifferent to their success.

What if we were able to see each other as people instead of objects? More so, what if we were able to see each other as an extension of ourselves? I mean, we are all members of one body.

1 Corinthians 12:25-26 says, “There may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”

Really? If one member is honored, all rejoice together?

Most of us do not see others in this way, so we rarely rejoice with them when they are honored instead of us. We end up comparing ourselves with them so that their success makes us feel like failures. Even if their success has nothing to do with us!

We need to break out of the mindset that there are finite successes. That being honored or celebrated is a limited resource that has to be fought over.

I think that another thing that interferes with our ability to experience empathetic joy is how we see ourselves. If we don’t feel joy in ourselves, we can envy the joy we see in others.

We covet and crave instead of join in and share.

We feel threatened instead of empathetic.

Have you ever had someone see you do something well or be blessed in some way and try to jokingly say that they hate you? Yeah. It doesn’t feel good. Not even when they are clearly joking. Yet, we have that reaction when we see others succeed or celebrate or feel joyous.

What is wrong with us?

Well, perhaps the real culprit is that we don’t see the good in ourselves or in our lives, so we end up feeling diminished by the good we see happen to others.

Since we don’t see the source of joy in ourselves, then we end up feeling worse about ourselves when others find it for themselves.

Or, maybe we feel convicted by seeing others get blessed. We fixate on what we lack or what we have failed to do. Somehow, we end up discouraged.

What I find fascinating is that Romans 12:15 (my opening verse) is found under the heading, “Marks of a True Christian.” Empathetic joy is a mark of a true Christian. It is a sign of being a part of the body of Christ.

Can we learn to see others that way? Can we learn to connect with them – authentically?

Can we see their joys, blessings, successes, and good and be inspired instead of threatened? Join in their joy instead of envy or feel bothered by it?

Can we support, encourage, praise and celebrate others?

Can we rejoice together even if it has nothing to do with us?

What about when we think the person doesn’t deserve the good or the blessings they are receiving?

Ouch. Right?

Admittedly, that would be a really hard thing to do. But, the problem with this is that we may be comparing or judging the person, using our own standard or definition as if it is accurate. To us, according to us, they are not good enough or deserving enough to have this good thing happen to them.

Really?

I think this just exposes our lack of trust in God.

We may also be misinterpreting something as good or as a blessing, when maybe it isn’t. Maybe it is a test or even a curse. Maybe we should just let God do his thing and stay out of it.

He tells us to rejoice when others rejoice. He tells us to rejoice together when someone is honored. He tells us that experiencing empathetic joy is a mark of a true Christian.

Can we start to get over ourselves and join in the joy?

I know for me, I sure hope so.

Marriage

The Sigh Heard Round the World

Into the middle of a group of women lamenting their romantic failures walks Jerry Maguire ready to claim his woman. In this iconic scene of a humble and sincere declaration of love comes the infamous line, “You complete me.”

Women around the world let out a collective *sigh*.

That is what we think we want.

To have a man need us. To have him realize that we are his other half, that life would not be whole without you. You want to complete him.

A truly romantic, fantastical notion.

*sigh*

But not at all based in reality. And women truly don’t want it either. Not really.

We need to be needed. We strive to be important, significant, irreplaceable. But to complete someone? Really? You want to hitch your wagon to that half-developed star?

Lifelong relationships will only work between two full-people, not two half-people. These people complement one another. They don’t complete one another.

It was the whole point of another iconic romantic movie, “The Runaway Bride”. It’s what the whole deal with the eggs symbolized. Julia Roberts’ character was meandering through life as a half-person, taking up with different people hoping that they would complete her. It wasn’t until she met Richard Gere’s character that she was faced with the reality of her existence. She was so completely clueless as to who she was as an individual that she couldn’t even figure out how she liked her own eggs cooked.

Do you know how you like your eggs cooked?

Do you have your own set of values and opinions and experiences and emotional reactions firmly planted, making up who you are as an individual? Or are you a reed on the riverbank, bending whichever direction the wind takes you?

I know that it can be scary to look into yourself and ask “who am I?” But, it must be done. No one else can tell you what you think, what you feel, or who you are. You must decide what makes you, you.

Only when you are a complete person, in and of yourself, are you then ready to couple up with someone else. Preferably, another complete person because otherwise you’ll be spinning your proverbial wheels.

Throw out the dependence. Veto the co-dependence. Overrun the independence too. Instead, adopt an interdependence, in which you come together and allow the other person’s strengths to complement your weaknesses.

Find a way to *sigh* over the ways in which you are a match. Maybe one of you is level-headed while the other is passionate and headstrong. Maybe one of you is detail-oriented while the other keeps their eyes on the big picture. Maybe one of you is process-oriented while the other is people-oriented. Maybe one of you is a thinker while the other is a feeler.

The one caveat that I want to throw into this whole love-fest is that you will never, nor should you ever, find another person to fill the role that God is meant to have in your life. It is only God who can truly ‘complete’ you. He knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb. He has a plan for your life if you will let Him guide you, and these plans are much, much better than anything you have for yourself. He knows what makes you tick, what makes you smile, what makes you feel fulfilled and happy. It is with Him, and with Him only, that you should be dependent because He is the one who possesses your next breath, who holds the keys to the treasure of blessings waiting to be poured upon you, who carries in His hand every tear that you have ever wept, and who died to be your Savior.

I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of love that makes me truly and deeply *sigh*.

Family, General, Marriage

Playground Antics

When I was in grade school, there was this one boy (we shall call him Donnie) that was a terror to pretty much everyone, but especially to me. Now, I know you may be thinking that he pulled my hair because he liked me – typical playground antics, right? Wrong. This boy was just a plain old bully and I was a doormat who took it, ’nuff said. But what made me remember this boy is that I see the playground antics that Donnie used to pull on us taking place between adults every single day. Apparently, we don’t outgrow some of those fundamental interpersonal dynamics.

One of the things Donnie used to do that drove everyone crazy and most of the girls to tears was taking away the four-square ball. We would be in the middle of a game and he would either walk through the middle grabbing the ball and taking it with him as he went or he would catch a ball that had gone astray of the court and keep it. Either way, Donnie had our ball – the implement necessary to achieve a fun-filled and satisfying recess experience – and he was not giving it back. He was withholding what we needed to somehow get us to give in to his demands. He would make us beg for it back or act like fools for his amusement or tell him how awesome he was before he would return the ball. There were times when we complied and just went through the motions to get the ball back and there were times when we refused to play his game and everyone ignored him for the rest of the day. Either way, his antics did not work. We were not motivated to authentically meet his needs for attention and acknowledgement by his actions. We either faked it or ignored him.

So, what’s the every day application for us as adults? How does the Donnie experience translate from the playground to the living room? Easy. We all take turns being the Donnie and we all take turns being the upset girls in every relationship we have. We all have a ball of some sort – that implement necessary to achieve a fun-filled and satisfying life experience. For some it may be affection. For others it may be sex. For some it may be conversation. For others it may be receiving help from the other person. It doesn’t matter what your ball is, just know that your ball is; it exists and someone else has it. Hopefully he’s not a Donnie.

And hopefully you aren’t a Donnie either. Of course we all want others to play nice with us when it comes to our ball, but how are you in return? Do you grab the ball and walk away ignoring the fact that you are leaving the other person without their ball? Do you take it and hold it over your head to motivate the other person to meet your demands (like giving you your ball first)? If these tactics don’t work to motivate you to authentically meet their needs, then how do you expect them to work on others? If you don’t want the other person to fake it for you or to flat out ignore you, then you need to do something different.

You must find a way to deal with the Donnie’s in your life and then refrain from being a Donnie to others. If you take nothing else from this week’s message, remember this: You will never motivate another person to meet your needs by withholding theirs. So, keep the playground antics on the playground and be the one to serve the needs of others first.